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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 18, 2024
This "woman" has green skin

Martians update Spacebook status to 'invading Earth'

After centuries of observing human culture, the Martian Executive Board declared it was time Mars enter the 450,000,000 Century and run an up-to-date Spacebook page.

Sick of hanging out with the planetless extraterrestrials who always needed a place to crash, Mars reportedly set its eyes on Earth, which Martians say have the best parties and hottest life forms.

Although Martians know their members are cute enough to impress Earthlings, some have voiced concern about being accepted by the youthful species.

“We knew we’d never live up to Christopher Lloyd’s character in that Disney treasure,” said Head of Assimilation Giuliana Rancid while refreshing her Spacebook notifications. “We were hoping to be a bigger hit than those Mars Needs Moms losers, though.”

While they acknowledge having struggled with interplanetary relationships in the past, many blame their unfavorable image on human popular culture.

“Rod Sterling did nothing for our reputation and I mean nothing,” said Hayden Planettiere, pointing at a nearby copy of To Serve Man. “That episode wasn’t even about us! It was those collar-popping Kanamit douchebags!”

Even conservative Mars dwellers noted they’d be interested in hanging out Homo sapien style, especially after seeing Kate Upton’s “Game Of War Of The Worlds” advertisement featuring her impressive orbs.

Although Martians everywhere report they feel “so chill” about the cross-species possibilities, the Pan-Milky Way Committee says it’s still unsure about such close encounters between Earth and Mars.

“Earth is a top-tier planet in our Solar System, and while Mars seems to be getting up to speed, they’ll always orbit just a bit more slowly,” said Pan-Milky Way spokesalien Ziggy Stardust. “We don’t usually endorse these kinds of relationships.”

At press time, Rancid and Planettiere were observed by Cardinal staffers screenshotting every time their boyfriends asked them to “Phone Home.”

Keep up with all of Alex's intergalactic musings on Twitter at

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