You know what? I’m sick and tired of all these potheads in Washington who think it’s edgy and cool to legalize dangerous drugs such as the demonic plant cannabis. The Lord Almighty created this abomination 10,000 years ago in order to test our ability to resist temptation. Thankfully, most of us Americans have enough common sense to figure that out. And because we know everything, absolutely, others have no excuse to not follow our rules as well. For all you out there considering changing to a path that doesn’t lead directly into a fiery inferno of infinite misery, listen up, you might actually learn something.
1. It will get into the hands of children.
If we allow “pot” to be sold in stores, in no time there will be hoards of fourth and fifth graders stoned out of their minds, parading through the streets waving torches to relight their “doobies.” Everyone knows that the best way to stop people from doing something is by telling them not to.
2. People might ask you to try it.
Thankfully, I’ve avoided all social interaction for the past decade in order to steer clear of the pressure to smoke. I know for a FACT, junkies will force their poison down your throat, or into your lungs, any way they can. Do not be fooled by the relaxed demeanor of these addicts. Once they get you hooked, they steal your identity and credit cards so they can buy even more marijuana!
3. Who knows what else they might legalize.
Allowing the public to freely consume these heinous substances will only cause people to question other laws, which any self-respecting patriot knows is the first step toward anarchy. Let’s crush this democracy-killing bug before it’s allowed to take root.
4. Look at what it’s doing to Colorado.
Since the Communist hippie state of Colorado legalized “weed,” they have seen nothing but violent revolution and chaos among the youth. Trust me, just look at the FACTS!
5. Millions of people will die.
Everyone knows the chance of an overdose while doping up on pot is extremely high (certainly no pun intended!). It’s a FACT that everyone who uses this dangerous drug eventually dies. Don’t become just another statistic.
6. It smells kind of icky.
From what I’ve heard, the noxious stench of a marijuana cigarette is strong enough to knock out a cow. Do you really want that sort of stench wafting through the streets all day and night? What if people start passing out while driving because the air is too dank?
7. It shrinks your man business.
Boys, if this doesn’t get your attention, nothing will! It’s been proven by FACTS that “toking up” will cause your genitals to shrink by up to 75 percent and harden—eventually falling off entirely. Try explaining that to your special lady on the honeymoon.
8. It gives you rabies.
Just in case you haven’t already heard enough FACTS to make up your mind about the status of this scheming green devil: Yes, it gives you rabies.
9. Red eyes are a sign of possession (pun intended this time!).
When you look into the eyes of a degenerate pot smoker, their stare is ablaze with the rage of an ancient specter, come back to life through the vessel of some loser. If you ever come across someone with bloodshot eyes eating handfuls of candy, run the other way. Otherwise you might be next!
10. There won’t be nearly as many people in prison.
If we stop arresting people for smoking marijuana, then there will be no legal basis for us to put these criminals behind bars before they inevitably commit an armed robbery or murder an innocent family. Keep pot illegal, so we can keep all the people trying to destroy our society right where they belong!
