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Sunday, April 21, 2024

The Dirty Bird: How to train your angry dragon... AND MORE!

If anybody has seen 40-Year-Old Virgin as many times as I have (No, you haven’t. Yes, I’m sure.), then they’ll understand the obsession with Urban Dictionary that sprang in the wake of the film’s success. One of the funniest scenes shows one of Steve Carell’s coworkers assuring him he’s not missing out on sex because life is about love, not the “Cincinnati Bow Tie” or the “Dirty Sanchez.”

Between my obsession with Paul Rudd’s Box o’ Porn and incessantly reading Tucker Max, I’ve run across plenty of silly sex terms that even I needed explained! With the help of the fine writers of Urban Dictionary, I’m here to break down all of those phantom sex acts and tell you all about why we should or shouldn’t engage in them (and whether or not people really do!).

Donkey Punch

Urban Dictionary’s contributor, Mh, says: The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better (for you of course).

So consensual violence during sex can be a huge turn on, right? We know this because sometimes in our society, actors get paid to portray characters with colors for names and make lots of money by pretending to be cute enough for soft-core, kinky porn!

But I digress. If our fine fucking friend likes to get punched in the back of the head or slapped on the behind, we should go for it! If we like the feeling of a clenched vagina or b-hole, we should just tell our partner to clench, or better yet make them orgasm! Pelvic floor muscles pulsate during orgasm and can feel great around our dongs.

Angry Dragon

Sex Master says: While a girl is sucking you off, right as you are about to cum, you grab hold of her head and pull her mouth as far onto your cock as possible. She proceeds to gag from the cock unexpectedly being rammed down her throat, but since your cock is blocking her air passage, her cough (and your cum) exit through her nose. The cum dripping out of both of the girl’s nostrils, resembles a dragon’s snout—and after pulling a stunt like this, you can be sure she’s going to be an angry one.

With a name like Sex Master, he’s bound to know his shit! However, Sex Master, you’re letting the team down big time with this little ditty. Some people may be into being face fucked until they snot out of their noses, but without knowing whether our partner is into it or not we super duper do not have consent to shove our penis down their throat. Again, if someone is into that, do it! Just please, talk about it first. We gots to get that freely given, informed, clear and enthusiastic yes before making our partner into a hopefully Docile Dragon.

Cleveland Steamer

Swinger Dave says: Don’t get this shit wrong. A genuine (pronounced gen-u-INE) Cleveland Steamer is specifically the act of:

1) Laying a deuce upon your partners chest, then,

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2) Sliding your buttcheeks up and down your partner’s chest in a wake of your mud river, AND

3) making an authentic sound of a steam-whistle blowing.

Only once the steam-whistle has been sounded have you actually completed a realistic and true Cleveland Steamer.

Parodied in one of my favorite films—a real Hollywood classic—Movie 43, some couples actually enjoy shitting on each other. It’s called skat, like what awful musicians do when they forget their lyrics!

I would say we should be thoughtful before consensually dropping the deuce on our bae by carefully picking out what we eat beforehand. Let’s try to make it a solid stool, maybe avoiding spicy or ethnic food, which often lead to an upset spaghetti house and an even more upset partner.

Cincinnati Bow Tie

comal6669 says: when a girl is jacking you off and licking your browneye at the same time

So we often see this in porn—it’s basically a hand job-rim job combo. It can feel insanely super pleasureable for the receiver and can make the giver feel accomplished, shifty and sexy as fuck. I suggest we all try this once we grow up and become comfortable with butt stuff. However, let’s make sure we’re all clean down there before we go tongue surfing so our browneye is, well, not so brown.

Alabama Hot Pocket

dildo machine says: shitting in a girls pussy and using it as lube

OKAYYY, readers, I think we can all agree that this one is completely unsafe. We know that we don’t wipe back to front, so of course we’re not going to be shitting into any vaginas any time soon. Please, please, please don’t do this.

If we simply cannot resist shitting in a pussy and fucking it, and if our partner is cool with it, we can use receptive condoms (available in the Sex Out Loud office for free!) placed into the vag 20 minutes before we dump our load. But guys really the risks associated with this make it unsafe for either partner. We should all do our best to abstain from Alabama Hot Pockets.

Blumpkin

bread infection says: to recive a blowjob with defecating (taking a dump) The best of two worlds. This is universal, I can’t believe it wasn’t in here before!

People really do this! Usually couples in relationships with clearly defined power dynamics—such as people living in BDSM communities or in 24/7 slave-master relationships—can enjoy things like blumpkins consensually. If it’s in our relationship contract to make one partner feel completely empowered while the other is subservient, we can happily take a poo with shooting our goo.

Houdini

j. biddy says: As a man reaches climax whilst in the “doggie style” position, the man pulls out and spits on their partner’s back, fooling them into thinking that he has ejaculated, however, when their partner turns around, the man lets loose his baby yoghurt in his partner’s face.

Thanks for that, j. biddy! We can all see the Houdini is similar to the Donkey Punch but without the silly violence! While engaging in the Houdini can be pretty non-consensual, if we know our partner loves to get jizzed on and has a good sense of humor, this could definitely be something to try. How we’re going to mask the sound of spitting and try to convince anybody that it’s actually our sex goo is beyond me, but have a roll at your own risk.

Disturbed by how infrequently Alex had to look up these terms to define them? Inform her about her lack of morals at sex@dailycardinal.com.

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