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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 21, 2024
upside down

These unfortunate souls were still at Freak Fest when gravity savings went into effect at 2 a.m.. They were quickly obliterated. 

How is everyone responding to the annual gravity savings?

As we all know, the annual gravity savings came into effect over the weekend. All over the world, people are adjusting to the remarkably different way of life that comes with a significant change in the force that holds us all to Earth. Right here in Madison, things have been completely turned upside down by this odd natural phenomenon.

With the departure of standard gravity for the next six months, there are many aspects of Madison life that will be made more difficult. Obviously, walking to class is a much more daunting task with the ever-present risk of floating off into oblivion always making going outside a risk. Relatively few freshman students attempted walking to classes Monday without using the city-provided safety ropes, which were installed late Saturday. Only 12 missing persons were reported; this is the lowest number since records began being taken 14 gravity cycles ago.

Some scientists say this year’s full inversion—an occurrence that only happens twice per century—could slow the economy in ways we normally don’t see with gravity savings. One report released by the National Committee of Natural Sciences said “... all holiday travel will be brought to a halt unless we can develop cars that can actually drive upside down … It’s time we recognize this phenomenon as a part of our world and react accordingly.”

Many partiers and concert-goers in attendance during the aftermath of Freak Fest this weekend were caught off guard by the sudden shift in planetary physics, which occurred at exactly 2 a.m. Sunday. Over 200 people were instantly obliterated. Their body parts and insides provided some macabre decoration for State Street storefronts. This was of course all cleaned up in time for the annual gravity savings parade. The award for “Best Float” this year went to UW-Madison sophomore Emily Redding, who managed to skitch a ride behind a Boeing 747.

While nobody really knows why gravity savings happens (I personally blame Obama), some people consider this ultimate proof that God does in fact exist. However, God says they “... have no idea why this shit happens. And furthermore, it makes about as much sense that Obama is causing this as myself.”

For any of you Madisonians looking for some unique activities to do specifically during gravity savings, here are a few ideas:

Go windsurfing above Lake Mendota

Without the full level of gravity, it becomes much easier to learn how to windsurf. It’s sort of like floating through a vacuum—that is, until you are inevitably crushed by one of the many dark matter patches that show up during this time of year.

Get drunk without the hangover

What you discover when you are of-age is that hangovers during gravity savings are nowhere near as bad as those you get with standard gravity. Experts think this might be due to a lowered sense of “I” and decision-making ability.

Travel to the moon

This is without doubt the best time of year to make the voyage to the lunar surface. Sans inherent resistance, making the trek up to the moon is much easier and affordable.

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Get a raise

Gravity savings is proven to be the best time to ask your boss for more money. This is likely due to the communal sense of doom that convinces most people the end of the world is right around the coroner.

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