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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 24, 2023

Sophomore manages to do dishes despite having spoiled upbringing

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Although his childhood and adolescence consisted of absolutely no burden for taking care of himself, UW-Madison sophomore Jackson Ripley mustered the motivation to rinse his dirty plate in the sink and then place it into the dishwasher at his 606 Equinox apartment.

Tension had been building in the apartment between Ripley and his roommates after Ripley spent his first two months living off campus just as he had the previous 18 years in his parents’ home—doing absolutely zero cleaning up after himself in common spaces.

The Daily Cardinal investigative unit placed hidden cameras and microphones in apartment 606 sensing that the rift between the tenants could lead to a potentially newsworthy outbreak.

“Why should I have to put my own goddamn dish in the dishwasher?” Daily Cardinal investigative unit audio equipment recorded Ripley furiously inquiring of his roommates. “I can just leave it out for my mo-”

According to hidden camera sources, Ripley froze and stopped short of completing his explanation for why he shouldn’t take care of the dirty dish. Video footage confirmed that Ripley stood speechless and motionless for about 45 seconds before proceeding to lift his plate from the coffee table, carry it over to the kitchen, rinse it and place it into the dishwasher and then sit himself down on the couch in utter silence, wallowing in his epiphany.

“Big J.R. finally realized that his fucking mother doesn’t live here,” competent roommate and house bitch Seamus O’Toole said. “He was so spoiled growing up, I didn’t think he’d ever realize that he had some grown-up responsibilities. Maybe he’ll even do his laundry now.”

The secret footage of Ripley’s dumbfoundedness was leaked by a naughty member of the Almanac staff, leading to large-scale social media sharing and the eventual removal of all Cardinal equipment from apartment 606.

Ripley declined to be reached for further comment on the matter. However, roommate sources reported that Ripley asked one of them where the trash chute was a week later.

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