Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. Kaiman is currently the president of the University of Wisconsin-Madison Psychology Department.
This week’s dream:
“My Dream: I wake up in my bed, which is in The Daily Cardinal’s newsroom in front of the newsroom table. The Marketing Director and the Sex Columnist are also in the newsroom. After waking up disoriented, I begin to feel that it is normal that I am sleeping in my bed, which is now in the newsroom. We start chatting, and then another individual crawls out from underneath my bed. The man underneath the bed is apparently an illegal immigrant who is also a friend of the Marketing Director and the Sex Columnist. All three begin asking for my help in trying to get legal papers for their friend. I explain to them that I feel uncomfortable engaging in this illegal activity and also do not have the connections to do so. Then I wake up.”
—Abby Becker, junior and Editor-in-Chief of The Daily Cardinal
100% Accurate Interpretation:
I’ve been under the gun before; I’ve interpreted the dreams of kings. When you botch those interpretations, heads roll, nations crumble.
But never before has an editor-in-chief come calling. If I screw this up, no one’s going to cart out the guillotine. But I’ll probably get fired, and with my finances in complete disarray, that’s essentially a death sentence. I’ll end up on State Street in rags playing the bongo drums.
High school level psychological education, don’t fail me now!
To the untrained eye, this dream is a no-brainer. The fact that your bed is located inside the office obviously symbolizes the amount of time you spend doing your job. As editor-in-chief of a highly politicized college newspaper, it’s your duty to keep up with the issues that plague the nation. Therefore, it’s no wonder that illegal immigration rears its ugly head. Regardless of your stance on the matter, you feel uncomfortable aiding and abetting a criminal because you’re a law-fearing woman; you always have been. After all, the rules are in place for a reason. Breaking them is inconceivable, even in dreamland.
Yeah. That’s the interpretation you’d get at home from mommy and daddy, or from some amateur that pulled an all-nighter junior year of high school only to wind up with a 4 on his AP Psychology test.
That simply won’t do. Not for the editor-in-chief, leader of The Daily Cardinal staff and commander of its military forces!
We both know it’s time for 100 percent accuracy. And, when dealing with subconscious hallucinations, that level of precision can reveal truths that are difficult to handle. But you deserve the facts, and my straight-forward philosophy is what keeps me on the payroll around here.
The key to your dream is a detail lesser interpreters would have never picked up on: the only other staff in the office are the marketing director and the sex columnist.
Marketing and sex. Business and pleasure.
And there you are in your bed. Out pops a handsome illegal immigrant, the stereotypical Latin lover. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife; it’s certainly not the prospect of breaking the law that’s making you uncomfortable.
I’m glad you woke up when you did.
So what does it all mean?
In a nutshell, you’re afraid to let your romantic desires interfere with your livelihood. Can an editor-in-chief oversee the complex Cardinal machine while maintaining a healthy love life?
That’s one question even I can’t answer.
P.S.: If I had a nickel for every time an illegal immigrant popped out from under my bed I’d be a millionaire.
If he’s still employed after this article, you can email your dreams to Kane at kaiman@wisc.edu.
