Dear Michael,
My girlfriend expressed an interest in a threesome, but she would like to do it with me and another guy. I want to make her happy and indulge her fantasies, but I’m heterosexual and I’m wondering if a threesome with two males and a female makes it homosexual?
—Gotta Ask First
Good question GAF. There are a few ways to look at it, but a good way to approach the question “gay or not gay” is to consider the difference between identity and behavior. Behaviors are often misconstrued as meaning the same thing as identity, which is far from true. By talking about behavior as opposed to identity, we allow ourselves to explore more sexual situations, because we free ourselves from the boxes different identities and behaviors are put into. Unless we’re into dicks in a box.
A behavior is something we do. It is any type of act or sex we enjoy and partake in. This can include anything from enjoying performing oral sex and massages, to receptive anal intercourse. It can also include things like taking part in threesomes. Sexuality on the other hand, determines what type of sexual or romantic relationships and the partners we find attractive. This might describe people who are attracted to people of the same or opposite sex (homosexual and heterosexual), people who have varying attractions to both sexes (bisexual) and people who have attractions that don’t fit into one of these boxes or lack sexual attractions (queer or asexual).
This means we can take part in behaviors that would normally be associated with certain sexualities but not actually identify with those sexualities. This brings me back to the first question: If a threesome is MMF (male-male-female), what does that mean? Well, it means what the participants want it to mean. If they’re all straight and that’s how they identify, then it is straight. If they’re all bi, then it’s bi and if it’s a mix, well, then it’s a mixed bag. Of goodies!
Another example is heterosexual male-identifiying people who enjoy receiving penetrative anal sex. Usually such behavior is viewed as being the domain of homosexual-identifying men, but there certainly are heterosexual-identifying men who enjoy this too. Fingering, using dildos or strap-on dildos with partners are all examples of penetrative anal sex that don’t require two people with a penis. Enjoying receptive anal intercourse is not what makes a person homosexual, enjoying receptive anal intercourse with our same-sex partner(s) does!
This removes a lot of boxes that are put around us, which reinforce ideas about what is straight, gay, bi or queer sex. Removing behavior as an identifier of sexuality allows us to open up and define ourselves based on emotion and feeling and our own identities, rather than just acts.
There is a great concept called the “Genderbread Person,” which uses a gingerbread man to visualize the differences between sex and sexual orientation, gender expression and gender identity. The head is used to show gender identity, thus how you perceive yourself (man, woman, gender queer), the body is for expression (masculine, feminine, androgynous), the groins are for sex (male, female, intersex) and the heart is for sexual orientation (heterosexual, bisexual and homosexual). All of these are viewed on a sliding scale, so we might be 100 percent female-identified and express ourselves as femininely bisexual, but more into other female-identified people.
I’m going to offer my own addition to this “Genderbread Person;” it includes the hands, indicating behavior. The types of behaviors we practice can be seen on a sliding scale just as much as sexual orientation, but they don’t fit into a specific formula depending on these other identities.
So, to answer the question: No, having a MMF threesome does not make it gay, unless you want it to be gay, and I mean gay as in happy, because there is just so much fun going on we can’t help but be gay… happy.
Have any questions for The Dirty Bird? Send your burning sexual inquiries to Michael at mpodgers@wisc.edu.
