Abstract cave paintings archaeologists have dubbed “useless bullshit” were discovered at the Creswell Crags gorge in Derbyshire, England, Tuesday.
The paintings, created anywhere from 43,000 to 10,000 years ago, are the oldest nonrepresentational artwork ever discovered and “completley useless from an academic standpoint,” Dr. Harold Francovis, their discoverer, said.
“Oh, a squiggly line! And some random red lines! Thanks, cavemen!” Francovis said. “Thank you for the profound glimpse into your culture. Seriously, we might as well scrub the walls clean.”
Francovis says he is baffled by the very existence of the etchings.
“Clearly, the less talented cave painters somehow gained control of the cave,” Francovis said. “How they did that, with their exceptionally low levels of intelligence, even by neanderthal standards, is a mystery.”
Francovis says he was shattered by the groundbreaking discovery.
“I was honsetly hoping to never find anything like this,” Francovis said. “I specifically focused my career on cave art to avoid the abstract. I always assumed neanderthals weren’t smart enough to be pretentious!”
