Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 24, 2023

Almanac Classifieds

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

For Sale

Lots of drugs—THIS IS NOT THE POLICE. I have a ton of dope I’m trying to get off my hands. The marijuana (or Mary Jane, see, I know all the cool slang the kids are using because I’m not a cop) is super daaaaaank. Trust me, if you love drugs, you can’t pass up this amazing opportunity. Call 911 if you’re interested.

Pin collection—I have so many pins. Collectible pins, new pins, army pins, all the pins, I have them. For the past 45 years, my life has been pin-centric. And because of that, there are now over 90,000 pins in my house. I can’t move. Like, I can’t leave my house. Someone needs to come help me get the fuck out of here. I’m running out of food and water. I don’t know how much longer I can last. Please, please, please, come help me. Call 555-9090.


Iguana walking—So, I know that iguanas are kind of a rare pet, so this isn’t the most lucrative business plan, but I’m super qualified for this job and this job only. I’ve been walking and caring for iguanas for the past 20 years. If for some reason you have an iguana and want someone to walk it, call 555-8735 and ask for Adam.

Back waxer—You want someone to take care of all that nasty shit all over your back? Look no further. I’m ready and willing to tackle any amount of back hair. Any color, any texture, any amount of curliness, let me at it. To be honest, I love the stuff. And I’ll even wax you for free because I reuse all the hair later. I make pillows, mattresses and blankets out of it. Trust me, it’s not gross, they’re actually really comfy. So give me, The Amazing Trisha, a call at 555-7456.

Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2023 The Daily Cardinal