This Thursday, after two weeks of speculation, UW-Madison sophomore Bud Beagsley discovered that the haunting body odor scent emanating from his person was actually the result of a forgotten burrito left in the middle pocket of his backpack for two weeks.
The burrito, of which Beagsley consumed half on the first day of classes and then packed away, had slowly decayed, releasing an increasingly potent aroma that drove away fellow students, roommates and pedestrians alike.
“I first started to notice a funny smell earlier last week, figured it was just my foot fungus coming back,” Beagsley said. “But then it got worse, I mean way worse. Like ‘the bathroom in Ingraham’ worse. It was kind of nice for a while; I always had plenty of space to myself. People would literally stay at least three feet away— so cool.”
Reports also indicated that Beagsley’s roommate on the sixth floor of Witte had left campus last weekend and was staying with a friend off campus throughout the week. Apparently most residents of Witte did not notice the growing odor, though this is likely due to the freshman stank common to the Southeast dorms.
Luckily, in the midst of a biology discussion, Beagsley was digging through his bag looking for a spare pencil when he discovered the foil-wrapped burrito corpse. While this did force an immediate evacuation of the Biochemistry Building, researchers were eager for the chance to examine such a decayed specimen.
“What we discovered really blew us away. This multi-stage process of rot began with the breakdown of the meat particles. Then, two days later, the cheese and sour cream broke down. Another two days and the guacamole and salsa reached their own point of no return. What this translated into for Bud was a multi-layered schedule of odor release, intensifying with each passing hour. We’re just lucky he found it when he did; there’s no telling how potent that scent could have become,” said Dr. Raymond T. Snauzzer, an expert in the field of bacteria and decay.
At press time, the burrito was under controlled observation in a secure government facility in Nevada.
