Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. On the evening of Oct. 19, 2003, he had 27 dreams, which is a Guinness World Record.
This week’s dream:
“I started having dreams about fantasy football. The other night I dreamed I was the actual coach of my team and all my guys were there with me in a locker room. I was yelling at them and telling them to play better so we could snap my four-game losing streak. And I was yelling at other players too because I was mad they got hurt. I told one of them to do pushups as a punishment. I remember asking them over and over if they wanted to sleep in the basement. In real life, the last-place person in our actual league has to sleep in our dirty basement.”
—Taylor Hamm, freshman
One hundred percent accurate interpretation:
First of all, I want to tell you I admire your “no nonsense” coaching style. A widespread lack of discipline has created a league full of prima donnas. Unfortunately, professional athletes don’t respond well to old-school tactics these days. My regular readers will remember that I was once combined psychologist and equipment manager for the Saskatchewan Roughriders. I saw firsthand what strict coaching can do to a locker room full of grown men used to getting their way.
What a modern team needs is a special locker room culture. Players should police themselves through playful name-calling and participate in team-building activities, like forcing rookies to pay for meals. These traditions turn boys into men and perennial losers into Super Bowl champions.
Anyway, let’s talk fantasy football.
For almost a decade, I’ve been a part of an incredibly exclusive Yahoo.com fantasy league. Its membership consists of some of the best minds in psychology today. Other than myself, the most prominent member is Albin Axelsson, the Swedish split-personality expert. He is a fantasy football virtuoso. “The Axe Murderers” have won the league title three years in a row. But this season I will dethrone him. I’ve scoured the waiver wire every week, hatching brilliant schemes to showcase overlooked and underrated players. Things are going well, but, like you, I’ve been plagued by the injury bug. The key is to stay composed.
Did I panic when Julio Jones broke his foot? Not at all, I replaced him with Justin Blackmon.
Did I lose my temper when Blackmon got suspended for the year? No, I simply invested in Terrance Williams.
Did I pull my hair out when Arian Foster opted for season-ending back surgery or when Aaron Rodgers broke his collar bone? Nope. I kept my cool and picked up Mike James and Nick Foles.
I’ve still got a legitimate chance to shut that smug Swede down.
My level-headed attitude should serve as an example to all fantasy owners. There are ups and downs in every season. If you become upset, not only will it cloud your judgment, but it will also affect other areas of your life, especially your sleep.
Relieving the stress that causes these dreams will require an attitude adjustment. Eat a chill pill. Get an ice-water transfusion. You’ve still got time to whip your team into shape and make the playoffs.
Hustle is what will keep you out of that basement. There are always performance trends to analyze and matchups to evaluate, so every moment spent working out, doing homework or talking to girls is a moment wasted.
Do you have a dream you want Kane to interpret for you or someone you know? Email Kane at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely 100 percent factually accurate advice.
