Stolen Chipotle napkins are the only remaining source of toilet paper at 222 N. Carter, house sources confirmed Wednesday.
When the very last sheets of toilet paper were used on Monday evening, including secret reserves hidden in drawers and under beds throughout the house, the residents turned to paper towels and other soft materials scattered on the kitchen and living room floor.
These resources were exhausted within hours. The situation was dire, prompting housemate Jared Lang to take advantage of alternative options.
“Going about my daily routine, the shortage is never far from my mind. On my way out of Chipotle the other day, I saw the giant stacks of napkins, and I knew I had to act right away. It was pure desperation,” Lang said. “I stuffed as much as I could into my backpack.”
Lang said he knew there would be high demand for fresh resources, so he stashed the napkins in the broken microwave in the kitchen.
“It’s an ingenious hiding place, and it’s convenient,” Lang said. “I just pop it open, grab some ‘kins and make my way to the bathroom.”
Experts have attributed the shortage to sheer laziness. House residents simply refuse to make the four block trip to buy toilet paper.
“You think I’m going to bike all the way to Walgreens? And why me? Someone else should do it,” Lang’s roommate Aaron Cribbs said.
The toilet paper drought has had dramatic effects on the 222 N. Carter microeconomy. Within the house, Chipotle napkins are now three times stronger than the U.S. dollar, and are the number two most valuable import, second only to alcohol.
