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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, May 22, 2024
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The Real Devil's Lettuce: Cilantro

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Local political crusader Sydney Becky McAmanda has been superfluously active on Twitter as of late, claiming she has single-handedly discovered the source of mankind’s evil after a recent drunken jaunt to the local Chipotle. Ms. McAmanda took to Twitter at approximately 3:13am on Tuesday morning, minutes after arriving home at her trendy sorority co-op community housing house.

“GUYS I THINK I KNO WHY EVERYTHING SUX,” McAmanda wrote in an alcohol-fueled Twitter tantrum that clocked in drastically below the newly-established 280 character limit and lacked extensive clarification. “BCUZ OF CILANTRO!”

When questioned by Cardinal Correspondents as to why the herb was responsible for all the evils of mankind the following morning, McAmanda had (surprisingly) not much more to say.

“Ionno, it just, like, sucks,” she clarified while sucking on her iced soy latte with whipped cream from Starbucks and munching on an Einstein’s Bagel with extra honey-almond cream cheese. “It tastes like soap.”

McAmanda’s claim is (even more surprisingly) not unfounded; scientific studies have proven genetic variants near smelly sensors and chemical receptors in the brain polarize cilantro-eaters drastically. They either taste some sort of herb, or they are disgusted by the soapy-dirty Devil spawn they’ve happened to miss in their food and have forgotten to throw on the floor and set on fire prior to consumption.

While research has proven cilantro to be the actual Devil’s lettuce for many people and demands it be collected and completely destroyed, never to be consumed by humans or be used to excessively season everything on Chipotle’s menu ever again, political science experts know it can’t be that simple.

“The solution isn’t simply incinerating that foul, horrible, green atrocity,” said Political Science Professor May Beimbiased. “One single solution will not fix the multitude of complex problems facing our society.”

Cardinal Correspondents wait to see how the complete eradication of cilantro will aid this country in addressing it’s arguably more serious issues.

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