Dear Alex,
I’ve been in the friend-zone for a while. A long while. How do I make the move with that special someone if I am constantly consoling her about douche-bag guys?
Help!
A tricky situation indeed, my friend, and one that many of us grapple with now and again. First, let’s clarify: What is the “friend-zone?” (And why is it “misspelled” on Microsoft Word? Fools!) The Urban Dictionary definition was unsatisfactory, so here’s my version, which includes elements of many definitions with a little Alex spice! Observe: The seventh level of hell in which we, after having failed to impress someone romantically, watch them enter into a series of bad relationships and allow that person to cry on our shoulders because then they are touching us. Which is nice.
Let’s look on the bright side: Being in the friend-zone at least implies we’re friends with that special someone. Although the two of us have yet to expulse frisky pheromones together, we at least have the honor of spending time with our potential partner. If this person is so particularly perfect to us, perhaps it would be picture-perfect to stay put in the pal precinct. SO MANY P’S. Penis.
Alex, cut the crap. Phine. Although my points above are certainly pertinent, I understand that staying in the friend-zone is not ideal. So let’s break it down. This person obviously trusts us and has allowed us into their life. What’s holding them back from wanting to take the next step with us? There are many possible reasons, and some of them are out of our control.
It could be that the “zoner”—as we’ll refer to the person you hope to make the moves on—is drawn to a “category” of person we don’t fit into for reasons that are difficult for anyone to articulate.
In fact, the zoner may not understand themselves. If they always ends up in bad relationships, it could be that our friend isn’t at a point where they can handle something serious. They could be frightened of the commitment that dating us—someone who they respect and actually like—comes with. It may be easier to ignore emotions and make rash decisions just to avoid having to introspectively analyze their own wants and needs.
Similarly, our buddy-turned-torturer could have the undeniable claim that they are simply not attracted to us. While this seems elementary, sexual chemistry is important to relationships, and although we sometimes wish we could change who we find smokin’ hot, it’s not always possible. This is nobody’s fault; it’s just a fact of nature and a contributing factor in relationships.
However, if we haven’t tried, how do we know that any of these supposed factors even apply to our specific cases of zoning? Communication is key. Communication is key. Communication is… what? I’m a broken record! Why? Because communication is always key, no matter what topic we’re covering!
So talk, people! If we’re unsure about our friend’s feelings, ask them how they feel! I don’t care how many times they’ve said, “You’re such a good friend.” The only way to be sure is by sharing with them how we feel and requesting they share their feelings in return.
Now, this is probably one of the most difficult mountains we have to climb for love. After all, if our best friend suddenly becomes a person in our pasts, we not only feel rejected, we also have to fill all of the extra time we would’ve spent with that person with meaningless tasks to keep from thinking about them. And that can suck! However, instead of thinking like that, imagine if your special someone becomes even more special!
The moral of the story? Take risks. The payoff of a huge risk is monumental, and while the downfall of an unsuccessful attempt can feel overwhelmingly sad, the possible high is worth the potential low.
That is certainly a matter of personal preference, but let me tell ya! Experiencing those moments of elation, especially with someone you care about, creates memories and experiences that have the potential to stick with you forever. Besides, if this person is really crushing our soul by staying friends with us, maybe our goal should be along the lines of “girlfriend or bust.” The friend-zone may just not be worth the emotional turmoil.
I realize this assertion is extreme. I therefore encourage everyone to take little risks, maybe one each day or even each week, to warm up to the idea of a bigger risk. These can be miniscule, maybe talking to the person sitting next to you in lecture or even the person holding the door open for extra people on the way into College Library. Exercising our ability to push ourselves can make a huge difference when it comes to confidence and especially admitting our feelings!
We should be able to work ourselves up to it, and by doing so we’ll either save ourself from a dire situation or create a blue heaven for ourselves and our new boo.
Email Alex your sex and relationship questions at sex@dailycardinal.com.
