The evil, animated skeleton that lurks in Forest Hill Cemetery on Speedway Road is not exactly sure how it is able to move around.
For decades, the skeleton has been creeping behind headstones, popping out to scare young children that venture into the graveyard.
“That’s what I do. I scare people; I’m a spooky skeleton,” the undead creature said.
Recently, however, the skeleton has begun to question its ability to move, sometimes at incredibly frightening speeds.
“I was chasing after these kids at a pretty good pace, I’d say a brisk jog, when I just stopped all of the sudden and asked myself, ‘How is this possible?’ I’d never really thought about it before,” the framework that once supported Frank Treske’s body said.
Scientists have known for centuries that zombies and “Frankenstein” monsters use their mostly-intact bodies to get around.
“Although they are constantly decaying, at least those creatures have muscles and soft tissues. Muscles, tendons and ligaments all pull on joints in the skeleton to propel them in the desired direction,” said Dr. Harold Francovis, a leading expert in the field of scary monsters.
However, scienctists across the nation cannot explain how undead skeletons perambulate.
“No muscles; no movement. It’s that simple. Spooky skeletons baffle me,” Francovis said.
The Speedway Road skeleton is equally puzzled.
“I guess if you put a bone saw to my head I’d say that it’s some kind of satanic magic, but who knows?” the mobile remains said.
The skeleton’s initial queries have brought up even tougher questions.
At press time, the boney monster had fallen into a ponderous silence, contemplating just how exactly he had spoken to Cardinal reporters without having vocal chords.
