Listen: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Don’t believe me? Hahaha, lolol, well, damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
(Sorry to break this news to you, but truth is stranger than fiction. This is still better than a sharp stick in the eye, even if the grass is always greener on the other side.)
Because of this—THE FACT that today is the first day of the rest of your life—it’s important to remember actions speak louder than words. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Don’t bite the hand that feeds. You’re totally fucked otherwise.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword (they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but don’t die, dufus)—and even a dumbo knows the bigger they are, the harder they fall. So be careful and nice if you’re super heavy-set or steroid-jacked because things will catch up to you eventually.
•••
On love
Some claim absence makes the heart grow fonder. Idk about that though.
I’m missing you so hard right now, babe. :((
And even though the bros all approximate your appearance to that of a decomposing possum carcass, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I <3 u forever!!!!
Be it ever so humble; there’s no place like home. Come home. Come home and we can shoot fish in a barrel—just how we did the summer after our senior year.
Lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I’m totally head-over-heels, cross my heart, hope to die, love-struck for you, sugar fly.
•••
On huntin’
There’s more than one way to skin a cat
I know this becuz my daddy was one of the top 12 lynx taxidermists in the Northern hemisphere1 Put that in your milk
Yeah, there’s nothing in this world quite like learning how to make dead stuffed animals look ferocious And I learnt it from the best
My daddy always used to say to me “Never put off tomorrow what you can do today” He came up with that all by hisself like a real Benjamin Franklin or something
He also told me a lot about ayvary2 stuff Like did you know birds of a feather flock together? Bet not but now you do It seems like you learn something new every day
Whenever I remember his geneyus3 it’s like another nail in coffin Dangnabbit now I’m crying a river :’(
•••
On incarceration
“Well, well, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it? I knew I’d see another McCoy behind bars before I left the force.”
“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.”
“OH, I’LL BE ASKING QUESTIONS. AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY CUTE STORIES ABOUT HOW YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS, SON. BUT LET ME TELL YOU THIS: WHERE YOU’RE HEADED IS A LOT WORSE THAN HELL. YOU CAN BET YOUR MARBLES ON THAT.”
“You can’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Do what you will to me, but you won’t force me into that courtroom.”
“My, it’s amazing how time flies when you’re having fun not dealing with a McCoy. You’ll be there son, or I can guarantee you will be square.”
“It’s my understanding that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I’m tough, Officer Bradford. I’m going to be gone so fast, you won’t know what happened.”
“You know, I’d tell you, ‘If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen,’ but you’re in jail so you don’t really have a choice. See you on the other side, McCoy.”
•••
Endnotes
1. As named by the Official Board of Stuffed Animal Appreciators (OBSAA) in “The Quarterly Taxidermist,” Volume 35, Issue 3.
2. Sic.
3. Sick?
There’s no such thing as a stupid question! Email yours to Andy at andy@holsteens.com.
