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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, June 22, 2024

He’s ‘lovin’ it’ at McDonald’s

All you health food junkies, environmentalists, activists against obesity, et al., need to stfu. McDonald’s is a blessing. If you don’t appreciate it, there is something broken in your head (probably because you’ve been too busy nibbling on kale and cat food instead of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese like a real American).

This past weekend I ate McDonald’s for three meals in a row(1). FOR THREE EFFING MEALS STRAIGHT I DOWNED MICKEY D’S!!!!! AND THOSE WERE THE BEST TWO DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!

My favorite combination of items is a 10-piece Chicken McNuggets meal (with honey, aka “the secret sauce,”(2) on the side and a medium Sprite), a Big Mac and a Filet-O-Fish. It’s the best meal on Earth. I hate you if you don’t agree.

Here’s the proof regarding why McDonald’s may objectively be the greatest restaurant ever:

Exhibit A: It’s the tastiest. Have you ever had the desire to do something like eat a whole stick of butter by itself, or down a full jar of Maraschino cherries? I thought so. And every time I eat McDonald’s, for me, it’s exactly how I imagine either of those other two experiences feel. I’m not stupide. I know McDonald’s isn’t healthy or whatever according to that dumb food pyramid thing. But I don’t care. I’m eating it because it’s delicious to the highest power, not because it’s good for me; yolo.

Exhibit B: It’s the cheapest. I dare you to bring me a meal that will cost less than what I can get at McDonald’s. What’s that? You can’t purchase nine sandwiches with a 10-dollar bill at your silly organic, locally grown, hole-in-the-wall-pesticide-free-food joint just east of the Capitol? I DIDN’T THINK SO. I want maximum calories for minimum Rubles. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Exhibit C: It’s the fastest. A few days ago I got my signature 10.P.C.M.N.M.B.M.F.O.F, and it LITERALLY took two minutes for me to get my food after ordering it. For a sec. now, consider the amount of time you’ve wasted sitting down to eat at some semi-swanky place (or even some place you don’t actually want to be, like Applebee’s or TGI Fridays or, God forbid, an Outback Steakhouse(3)). Stop wasting your time. Eat at McDonald’s. Live fast. Die young. Mmmm, mmmmm.

You need to get your priorities straight if you have anything bad to say about McDonald’s. THERE IS NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!!!!! IT IS PERFECT DINING!!!!! If the phrases, “I can’t stand McDonald’s,” “I haven’t been to that place in years,” “That place is poisonous,” “I can’t even watch you eat that” or “How can you eat that stuff?” ever come out of your ungrateful mouth, immediately reevaluate and/or drastically change your life(4).

So go. GO RIGHT NOW and get some McDonald’s. Hit the drive-thru, go home and rip into that sack of savory Thiamine Mononitrate and Azodicarbonamide. Let the animal fat run down your blood-thirsty face and excrete from your loose pores as your abnormal hormone levels cause you to convulse with utter joy and screech with the tenacity of a rabid fruit bat. THAT, my friends, is heaven. I implore you to go grab a bite. There’s a 24-hour Mac Don’s on Regent Street(5). Do it. Stuff your face. I’m lovin’ it, and so can you! ;)

Has Andy sold you on McDonald’s? Email him at andy@holsteens.com to talk about meeting up at the drive-thru.

FOOTNOTES

1) I am most definitely qualified to comment on this subject.

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2) Not to be confused with “Special Sauce,” which is the Thousand Island-esque concoction delightfully squirted onto every Big Mac masterpiece.

3) Hands down the worst food establishment in the U.S.(a)

4) Strictly to avoid legal repercussions, Andy Holsteen does not actually encourage or compel you to act in any particular way.

5) I am in no way involved or affiliated with McDonald’s Corp. This is not an advertisement for McDonald’s Corp., and this column should not be interpreted as such.

a) Aussie-tizers? Are you kidding me?

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