Hey! You there! Guess what? There are a lot of collective nouns for animals and most of them are pretty absurd. This shit ain’t just limited to “herds” or “groups” or “bevies.” Don’t believe me? Then read on, dear reader!
Take ducks for instance. There are three—three!—categories for describing groups of ducks. On land, on water and in the air. On land, you could call them a flock, a badling or a waddling if you’re feeling whimsical. On water, they’re called a bunch, a paddling or a raft. And in the air, you can call them a team, a string or a skein.
Hawks? Same thing! When it’s two or more circling around in flight, they’re called a boil. In large numbers, the group is called a kettle. Kettle, boil. Have you ever seen a kettle of hawks? Is this some kind of strange Old World recipe? Did the person who came up with this terminology do it on an empty stomach?
When you take the time to notice such naming patterns, you realize that the world is full of them. A pitying of turtle doves, rabbles of butterflies, armies of caterpillars, hovers of trout, gams of whales, convocations of eagles! There are parliaments of owls and knots of snakes and rafters of turkeys. Oh God, rafters of turkeys—who came up with that? Were there turkeys in his or her rafters? If there were, that would have sucked, ‘cause turkeys are bastards.
Even in context, some of them don’t make sense. For example, a train of jackdaws? Have you ever seen a jackdaw? They’re small birds. They can’t even buy a train ticket! Or a “deceit of lapwings”? I’ve certainly never met a lying lapwing in my life. Or a “watch of nightingales”? What are the nightingales watching, huh? And who watches the nightingales?
Or a building of rooks? Like, is there just some space in a town full of rooks? Is it an office? Is it a bank? Are there rooks sitting at their rook computers, watching over your assets right now?
Then, of course, there are some that work rather well. A group of flies is called a swarm, which is, like, totes obvi. A bouquet of pheasants is apt because, as everyone knows, you can totally mistake a group of birds for a group of flowers. And an ostentation of peacocks? Right on the dot; peacocks are hella ostentatious.
Then, there are some that don’t make sense in context, but you wouldn’t change them for the world. Like a pack of asses... The other asses, donkeys—which are called a drove when they’re being moved. Coincidentally, “pack of asses” and “drove of asses” are the least subtle names for a strip club ever.
Do you know what you call a group of martens? Like, those weasel cousins from the Mustelidae family? They’re called a “richness of martens.” A RICHNESS OF MARTENS. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.
Want to join a pack of Seans? Email him at sreichard@wisc.edu.
