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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, September 30, 2023
Cameron Kalmon

Ass Waxing: After six pity OTs, The Daily Cardinal decides to beat The Badger Herald

After a three-year “drinking” streak, the Majestic Bird flies again. The Daily Cardinal beat its fulsome foes in flag football on the battlefields of Vilas Park Saturday. And for the first time in three years, it was a day of ULTIMATE GLORY.

“This is the happiest day of my entire life,” head coach Grey Satterfield said as a cascade of tears streamed down his face, demonstrating to the world how to make ugly crying look beautiful.

Despite a slow start for the Cardinal in the first half, the team went up 35-21 late in the game only to watch their lead evaporate via two quick Herald scores in the weaning seconds of regulation, tying the score and catapulting the game into six overtimes.

Officials are still debating the final score of the game, which was probably 49-42… or maybe 5-2, like every other week.

“We could’ve ended it earlier,” defensive lineman Cameron “Killer” Kalmon said while chewing on what one could only guess was a Heralder’s leg. “But we weren’t finished with our beer yet.”

Kalmon left early in second half because officials wanted to limit fatalities.

“I sacked the quarterback!” sex columnist Alex Tucker said after bringing down Heralder Sean Zak in the fourth overtime. Tucker was later informed this was not a sexual reference.

Claire Satterfield got another sack late into the overtime periods, and in an elaborate prance, or what some would call a frantic jump, she shouted, “I woke up in a new Bugatti!!!” The Cardinal gods were listening, and the next morning, she actually woke up in a new Bugatti.

The Cardinal’s ruthless defense kept the game going, including an interception by safety and amateur twerker Vince Huth. Anonymous sources reported that Huth was spotted shaking his moneymaker on the Capitol Stage later that night.

Assistant coach Sir Jonah Beleckis kept things frisky on the sidelines, offering the Herald camp a worthy distraction with his buns of steel, which were only scantily covered by his lucky Flash undies.

Offensively, we lost count of sports editor and MVP Brett Bachman’s rushing, receiving and passing touchdowns, but it was a quick pass to photographer Wil “one L” Gibb in the game’s sixth overtime that secured the Cardinal win.

“I mean, if you can think of other ways to score touchdowns, let me know,” Bachman said during the sixth overtime.

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After storming the field in victory, the Cardinal staff went on to absorb the Herald’s keg in its all-encompassing, thirsty wake.

Along the sideline, former Badger Herald editor Polo Rocha lamented his allegiance and was often spotted cheering for the opposing team, unable to deny how fucking awesome they are.

“Of course I have to support the Herald squad on the surface, but that doesn’t mean I’m not wearing my ‘Daily Cardinal or die’ bro-tank under this Herald shirt,” Rocha said.

Although she “lost” the chug off, Daily Cardinal Editor-in-Chief Abby Becker stayed poised, not letting a single drop of beer hit the ground, unlike her competitor, who dumped her entire cup of beer on herself while trying to get it down her throat.

“I am not sure what happened there,” Becker said about Herald EIC Katherine Krueger. “But I am guessing she thought that counted as her shower for the week.”

After missing the game to go on a scouting trip for the Seattle Seahawks, Cardinal editor Jack Casey looked ahead to the future. “Be prepared for the same ass-kicking at the spring softball game, motherfuckers,” he said.

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