Daily Cardinal staffer Jared Lang, a repressed sexual deviant, was incredibly aroused by a scathing Madison Misnomer article that skewered his satirical page, Fake News Friday.
Madison Misnomer, a famous student publication that directly competes with The Onion, published an online editorial ridiculing the comedic talent of the Cardinal’s writers this past Thursday. Lang, a regular Misnomer reader who just happens to derive sexual pleasure from emotional and physical abuse, told Cardinal reporters that the article had, “ ...turned (him) on more than anything in (his) entire life.”
Lang gave the Cardinal a detailed account of his first encounter with the piece. He described how his “pulse quickened” when he spotted the headline, and how he became more excited by each caustic remark he read.
“My hands were shaking so badly I could barely click the ‘Read On’ link,” Lang said. By the time he reached the part about how Fake News Friday articles “read like a scared freshman dipping his toes in Lake Mendota... full of titters and nervous, unjustified fear,” Lang could no longer contain himself and reached a shuddering climax.
Lang has proposed that the clearly dominant Misnomer and pathetically submissive Fake News Friday staff engage in some sort of prolonged Master/Slave relationship, hopefully involving hot wax play. “I’m a pathetic worm that deserves punishment from people far superior to me. I’ve been a bad writer, and I need to be pushed to my limits. If that means no safeword, then I’m fine with that. If we do use one though I’d like it to be ‘HERALD,’” Lang said.
Madison Misnomer puts no name beneath their stories, something that also excites Lang. “I find the idea of anonymous intimacy to be really hot,” Lang said.
Lang says that he’s looking forward to more erotica from the writers over at Misnomer, but will continue to reread what they’ve written for as long as necessary.
