Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. He is a direct descendant of Joseph, the Hebrew Patriarch who famously interpreted Pharaoh’s dreams thousands of years ago.
This week’s dream:
“I was sitting in one of my actual discussion classes next to a girl I barely know. We were working on an assignment or something. Then she handed me an envelope and told me to open it. She said it had to do with the assignment. I opened the envelope, and inside was a hand-written letter. I started reading it and was instantly confused because the letter had nothing to do with class. As I read, I realized it was a love letter she was trying to surprise me with. She asked me what I thought, and I specifically said, “It’s good. This is good.” I was vague because I didn’t want anyone in class to know what happened. I remember feeling like I was in love. Then we looked at each other and started to make out. That’s all I remember.”
—Matt Stabler, junior
One-hundred percent accurate interpretation:
I let out an audible sigh and shook my head while reading that.
“I felt like I was in love.” How naive.
I knew we’d get around to talking about ‘love’ one of these days.
I thought I was in love once, that is, until I came home to find my ex-fiance in bed with my twin brother, Blane. Needless to say, he’s the evil twin.
Before we go any further, we need to take a deep breath and discuss love from a scientific perspective.
What society calls love is actually a very shallow instinct based on exposure, which can be broken down into two key factors: proximity and frequency. At this very moment, your true ‘one and only’ could be leading a yak up Mount Kabru in Nepal. Not only are you thousands of miles away from one another (proximity), but the chances of you seeing each other on a regular basis (frequency) are next to nothing.
This girl in your class, however, is there week in and week out.
She may have been a 5-out-of-10 at the beginning of the year, but by now, after a good month of exposure, she’s probably risen anywhere from two to four points on your subconscious scale of overall attractiveness.
This is what scientists call the “Desert Island Effect,” and it explains her presence in your dream. The more an animal is exposed to a potential mate, especially in an isolated environment like your classroom, the more its perception of that individual’s appearance becomes distorted.
For human college students, this leads to inevitable in-class fantasizing, which can be socially dangerous for a young man, especially if that class meets early in the morning.
God forbid you’re ever asked to do an impromptu presentation in front of everybody.
Moving on.
Even if one could prove love exists beyond the simple principles of exposure, it would be difficult to defend the claim it’s a special occurrence.
Tina Turner once asked, “What’s love but a second-hand emotion?”
She hit the nail on the head. The average human falls in love 17 times over the course of their life. That’s a lot. To say there’s something magical about this recurring phenomenon would be inaccurate. So don’t obsess over this girl; there will be others.
Alright. It’s clear this dream is pure fantasy; it’s a too-good-to-be-true scenario you wish would play out in real life.
My recommendation? Well, I’ll tell you what you don’t do. You don’t tell this girl that you had an erotic dream about her.
You’ll freak her out, and then the jig is up.
What we want is for her to make the first move. So, do not speak unless spoken to. You’re not funny or good-looking enough to initiate a conversation, let alone charming enough to keep it going.
The most effective way to get her attention is to routinely make awkward eye contact and then quickly shift your gaze back to your papers, pretending like you’re hard at work.
One more thing before we’re through: You need to keep in mind you’re a growing boy with a changing body. On the eve of manhood, dreams like this continue to get more and more sexual as time goes by. So enjoy!
Have a dream you want Kane to interpret for you or someone you know? Email him at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely 100 percent factually accurate advice.
