Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, which gives him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. He is the author of several New York Times best-selling books, including, “Help! Help! I’m Falling,” “Someone’s Chasing Me” and “The Dolphin Dream Diary.”
This week’s dream:
“I was living in a seaside village with my friends and other people I knew. One night, I was out on the town with my brother and his friends when a communist takeover began. They instated laws that said we could only be out so late. We went out late one night regardless, and the communists began to shoot at us. I ran and jumped into the sea and discovered I had super powers and could breathe underwater. I swam to a nearby island where I planned my attack on the communists. Eventually, I returned and had a force field and laser vision. I regained my friends and took over a large facility. On the top of the building, I planted an American flag. The communist leader was furious.”
—Mikhale Grundtner, Sophomore
One-hundred percent accurate interpretation:
I myself have had this dream many times. Except in mine, I’m the communist leader. I whip the proletariat into a violent frenzy, march on the capitol building and establish a socialist utopia, a true workers’ paradise, only to be thwarted by one capitalist pig. It is my nightmare.
Clearly, we don’t see eye-to-eye in the political arena (I assume you’re some sort of misguided Tea Party neo-fascist). Nevertheless, it is my duty to give you an accurate interpretation.
Overall, this dream means that you deeply mistrust any form of centralized authority. You believe that the government, which generously provides you with usable roads, sanitizes your water and courageously protects you from second-hand tobacco smoke, is somehow out to get you. You don’t seem to understand that the government knows what’s best for you, Mr. Grundtner. Why else would you be required by law to wear a seat belt?
Furthermore, you’re terrified by the prospect of a communistic United States. You’re convinced the country is headed in the wrong direction, and your right-wing paranoia has reached fever pitch with the recent passage of ObamaCare.
Let’s go over the details.
The seaside village setting has a third-world, Caribbean connection. All your life you’ve been force-fed capitalist propaganda about the Cuban Revolution, and you’ve finally synthesized that information into exactly the type of dream that the industrialist bourgeoisie wants you to have on a nightly basis.
Your super-human abilities symbolize your respect for the might of socialist society. Deep down, you realize that a single individual would need superpowers to overcome a full-fledged communist regime. Communism, a flawless system where every member does his part to feed his brothers and sisters in the factory and field, is the inevitable terminus of every enlightened society, and forcibly sending civilization back to the greedy excesses of capitalism is no easy task.
Planting the American flag in classic Iwo Jima fashion embodies your delusions of nationalistic grandeur. You see the United States as a beacon of righteous light in a dark, wicked world in desperate need of American salvation.
My recommendation is that you put “Rocky IV” and “Red Dawn” back on the shelf and crack open Marx’s and Engels’ “The Communist Manifesto.” Maybe then you’ll begin to understand the evils of capitalism and start to have some rational dreams. Who knows? One day, when the working class throws off its chains, you might even find yourself by my side on the front lines, a comrade-in-arms.
Viva la revolución.
Have a dream you want Kane to interpret? Email him at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely factually accurate advice.
