According to his wife, Jack Folliard, the PAC 12 official that was head referee at the controversial Badger Sun Devil game, has slept like a log every night this week.
For six consecutive nights, Folliard has thrown on an ASU jersey, cuddled up to a foam football and conked out within minutes. These nights have been characterized by heavy snoring interrupted by occasional sleep talking. Phrases like, “worth every penny” have been clearly audible.
Folliard, who had previously upheld a strict bedtime routine that began with a hot bath complete with bubbles, candles and his favorite Carly Simon album, followed by some basic yoga, a warm glass of milk and a pair of his many footie pajamas, has needed no help falling into a deep, peaceful slumber lately.
Back in Madison; however, people have been distraught over such an unreasonable tarnish to their football record. Drug stores can’t seem to keep enough melatonin on the shelves, and local doctors have reported a steep rise in the amount of necessary Ambien prescriptions.
Local MD, Eugene Sanders, is concerned about many of his patients.
“There’s been an unusual amount of patients reporting severe insomnia. In all my years, I’ve never seen such extreme sleep deprivation. I’ve been handing out Ambien like candy, recommending therapy and in one particularly bad case, horse tranquilizers,” said Sanders.
When asked why she thought her husband was sleeping so well, Folliard’s wife replied, “Actually, I really don’t know how he’s been doing it, especially with that ASU envelope under his pillow. That thing is stuffed full of something. It just doesn’t look comfortable. I wonder what’s in there.”
