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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 02, 2023

A lazy student’s guide to working out like a boss

Unfortunately, two years of bench warming in high school field hockey doesn’t quite make me Jane Fonda. I think that becomes obvious whenever I faint and fall off of the treadmill. But you need to burn off that 2 a.m. Ian’s somehow, so if you hate sports like me, follow these simple steps to make that monthly trip to the SERF count!

Step 1: Your get-up is probably the key to your success. Anything goes for the shirt and shorts (for real though, I’ve seen someone wear a silk blouse), but there is little leeway for shoes and socks. If you don’t have a pair of calf-high polka-dot socks from the Gap and the lucky Reeboks you wore during your personal best 11-minute mile in high school, I don’t really know what to say. Try going to CYC, I guess.

Step 2: Bring your iPad. Don’t think about the fact the person behind you is going to see your recent queue of TLC’s “Strange Sex Addictions,” it’s time to do you. But while you’re working out, you should probably be watching “Arrested Development,” just to play it cool.

Step 3: Scenario: You get to the cardio room (Ha, as if I was going to tell you to go to the weight room), and every machine is taken. Most people may say, “screw it” and go run on the track, but I personally don’t like to feel like Simba in the midst of the wildebeest stampede. You should probably sit in the corner and do some casual stretches until an elliptical is free. If a machine does not open up after 10 minutes, it’s a sign your workout was not meant to be, and you should go home to finish watching that episode of “Orange is the New Black.”

Step 4: If you do end up getting on the elliptical, you’re going to need to distract yourself from the fiery pain gradually making its way through your evolutionarily fucked body. Look to your left at the blonde toothpick in Spandex sprinting on the treadmill and have a moment of self-hate. Allow yourself one wedgie-pick every 10 minutes… so that would be two wedgie-picks in all because if you’re on there for more than 20 minutes, someone’s gonna need to call UHS.

Step 5: Ah, the floor-mat section. Proudly grab one of those sticky, perpetually half-clean mats (If you look close enough, it looks like a Mucinex commercial on there!). Set it down right next to the guy who looks like he knows what he’s doing. Try and make your copycatting discreet by doing his previous “crunch” technique while he does a new one. You’ll know if he’s on to you when he starts doing that crazy bouncy ball in between the legs thingy (caution: NEVER TRY THIS. The ball will go flying, and you will be to blame when the girl in downward dog position gets hit in the ass.)

Step 6: You’ve officially burned 50 calories! Now get out there and eat a couple more slices of Ian’s, you champ. 

What’s your wedgie-pick-per-minute rate? Share it with Daniella at

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