When Anheuser-Busch scientists successfully converted molten platinum into Bud Light beer this year, they re-upped the stakes in the age-old arms race that is the commercial brewing industry.
The much-needed breakthrough gave Budweiser a competitive response to the Miller company’s ingenious ‘vortex’ grooved bottle-design, a variation on the ‘rifling’ process invented for musket use in the late fifteenth century and fashioned in this instance to deliver beer to the mouth, “with deadly accuracy.”
Questions about how Anheuser-Busch brew-masters have performed this feat of alchemy have been overshadowed by concerns about future profitability.
“I’m no expert on precious metals, but won’t they go bankrupt from this?” commented Mark Terron, head of sales at Miller Brewing Company. “It seems like a waste... anyway, we’re not worried. We just introduced this punch-top can thingy so the beer comes out smoother and faster and stuff.”
When asked about the viability of the gimmick, Aaron Tanner, vice-president of the Budweiser Marketing Division, replied, “I don’t know. Supply and demand? Bottom line is this: our customers can literally get hammered off the most expensive metal known to man, all for around eight bucks per six-pack.”
Sources deep within the Molson Coors Brewing Company, who in the past invented a magical bottle smart enough to “tell you when your beer is as cold as the Rockies,” have reported that the brewers there are tinkering with a revolutionary idea in reaction to Bud Light Platinum. They plan on actually making a better-tasting beer.
