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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 18, 2024
tin andy

Andy shares his meta musings

Is it possible to overdose on boredom? Would one even be aware of an event like this or would such a prophetic, insinuated self-fulfilling reality just quietly come to pass as that person faded into their next era of absolute pointlessness?

These are the questions we have to ask as super-smart and inquisitive university dwellers. It’s our duty to society… 

Actually, I can’t do this. I was going to write a column in a style that impersonated a stereotypical college student—dripping in a pompousness derived from perceived correctness and transitional intelligence but filled mainly with generic, idealistic, roundabout zealousness that materializes into nothing more than abysmally irrelevant and grammatically abhorrent Facebook statuses so pathetic they warrant only two “likes” and zero comments from the ego-inflamed poster’s 800-some loathsome “friends,” who, in all truthfulness, are no more than casual (and to be fair, entirely circumstantial) acquaintances whose lives are equal to their Core Mutual (a social-media pronoun that I coined myself, like it?) in arbitration, dictated by a logical, calculating form of narcissistic lust on such an elevated plane of despicability that analogizing this state of being as a verisimilitude (I’ve been waiting for an appropriate time to slip that word into a sentence) to a so-called “personal hell,” would be, quite simply, a cop-out. 

I didn’t refrain from the idea mentioned 140 words ago because I thought it was too mean. I chose not to jazz that because I was pretty sure nobody would understand and/or care enough to actually make a change in their demeanor. Please don’t hate me for the triple-decker meta-annoyingness going on here. Or do, I’ll probably never meet you either way. 

Isn’t it sad that we have so little room for nuance in our comedy? People legitimately think Dane Cook is funny. Imagine if jokes could function like mental anonymous sex acrobatics. See! I’m doing it again! Except for this impression has a slight stoner twist mixed in. It would be better if I didn’t feel the need to warn you though. “Though” is just such a wonderful word to use in ending the majority of one’s sentences.

Do I think there is a correlation between IQ and drug usage (notice this is not punctuated as a question [hint, hint]). It’s hard to say; there are lots of potential confounds. But we can look at the hard evidence together if you want to call it a data date (slight wink with cocked smile). I’ll bring the wine if you bring the spreadsheets, baby. OK, we’re now leaving dishonest, horny statistics TA; at some point I’ll be entering overly vocalized, conspiracy-idiot country. Maybe it’ll be better if I just say it beforehand—sort of like a reverse punch-line.  

I think angry people are one of the funniest things. They were put on this earth for us all to enjoy: never forget that. 

And do you want to know why so many of these people are furious? It’s because of the ultraviolet rays being pumped into our brains. Yeah, you heard me. Cell phones were developed back in the 1960s by the CIA and NASA with the intent of sending out blanket communications into the cosmos. What they didn’t expect was for these signals to cause people on Earth to change their behavior. After a few more decades of prototypes and using YOU, the human race, as a guinea pig, federal officials—who are actually forerunning half-bionic lizard creatures from the planet Sceptacon of the Andromeda Galaxy—have been meticulously tweaking  and slowly, but surely, perfecting their cell phone designs. Soon they will develop the perfect mind control device and use it on us and the inhabitants of their home planet Sceptacon. So go ahead. Keep using that cell phone, see where it gets you. Meanwhile, I’ll keep this tinfoil on my head like a smart person.

Thanks everyone, I’ll be here again next week!

Share your own conspiracy theories about boredom and cell phones with Andy at Maybe you can make some foil hats together?

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