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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 18, 2024

A field experiment in 'legitimate' laughs

I have this dream of writing something legitimately funny. Just about anyone can conjure up a cheap chuckle from a few people who are also desperate for acceptance, but it takes talent to make a bunch of people who would normally pass you on the street and instinctively think “I hate that person more than life itself,” laugh just because what you say has some kind of mystic connection to the elusive humor genome.

The task is a bit easier when you can set up and perform your jokes in a live setting (it’s hard to, say, whip out a silly voice, add dynamic inflection, give people awkward and uncomfortable glares, denote absurdly long pauses, intentionally fumble over your words, imply your blatant drunkenness or throw pointy objects in print).

So, I guess this column is in a way a field experiment. You’re going to read a bunch of things that may or may not contain something warranting a giggle. There’s probably some way to set up an elaborate ordinal scale for figuring out what lies closest to universal “lolz”; one could probably even formulate a hypothesis. But let’s be honest here, no one actually cares that much. Here we go:

An apple a day, you’re bound to eventually end up with E. coli.

. . .

We want YOU to enlist in the Suburban Doom Militia! Purchase as much black NorthFace apparel as soon as possible! Proudly dress yourself in this stoic garb! We will win the fight! Enlist today! Enlist today!

. . .

“You know, I just feel that, the system is constraining me, man. It’s like, who are these politicians to tell me what I should be doing with my life. Dude, show some respect for the puff-puff-pass… Thanks brah. I mean, cough, cough, I can, cough, make decisions on my own.”

“Are you still referring to yourself as a ‘quasi-Marxist’?”

. . .

I’m sure we’re all going to have wonderful jobs after graduation.

. . .

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Remember when last year at this time nine out of 10 people thought that “Call me Maybe” was going to be popular forever?

. . .

Now would be an appropriate time for me to make some semi-intelligible comment, as this is about the halfway point of this joke charade—oh well.

. . .

I behoove you to walk all over someone today—gallop if you’re really feeling frisky.

. . .

Let me make one more interjection to say that there is no particular order to this stupidity.

. . .

If you think about it for, oh, two seconds or so, you realize that considering yourself special makes you supremely normal. I’m not sure if this is a joke or something else.

. . .

On Tuesday nights I can never fall sleep/so what if occasionally I like to over-eat?/But one thing that will always stay the same/is that I’m super awesome and you’re all insane (play to D-G-D-A, repeat as necessary).

. . .

More people should invent words just for fun!

. . .

Herschka urgin boosha inna verk shlope?

. . .

Have you ever been so excited to see your dog that you uncontrollably peed yourself? (Translated from above)

. . .

Dane Cook (two weeks running, baby. Don’t worry D.C.; I’m doing you a favor.)

. . .

I guess at this point I need to somehow conclude things.

. . .

There. 

Share your jokes with Andy at holsteen@dailycardinal.com.

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