The start of the semester is a time for new things. New classes, new schedules, new professors and TAs—and new douchebags who don’t know how to act in a lecture hall.
The beginning of the spring semester is the perfect time to address poor lecture-hall behavior because ignorance is no longer an excuse. The freshmen now have a full semester under their belts, so everyone you encounter in class should know how to act—and how not to act—in a lecture hall.
Yet for some reason, I seem to encounter the same douchebags in my lectures every semester. These are people who, with their inconsiderate and self-centered behavior, make going to lecture a pain in the ass for the rest of us.
1. The End-Seat Sitter
The End-Seat Sitter chronically sits in the end seat of a row or as close to the end seat as possible. This person tends to arrive 20 minutes early looking particularly apathetic and does nothing but look at his phone for the next 19-and-a-half minutes. By sitting on the end of what is most likely an empty row, the End-Seat Sitter invites every person who passes to pick a different seat. Thus, the seats in the middle are saved for the people who show up in the last two minutes before the lecture starts, forcing everyone who has already been seated to stand up and awkwardly shuffle backpacks and laptops until that last person arrives. When one of these people asks to “squeeze past,” a particularly douchey End-Seat Sitter will roll his eyes passive aggressively or casually scowl.
2. The Online Shopper
The Online Shopper is most likely—but not necessarily—a blond female sporting cute gear that suggests allegiance to American Eagle. Clueless as to what is going on around her, she will spend 60 minutes of a 75-minute power lecture cruising sites for stores such as Forever 21 and Victoria’s Secret. Rain boots, dresses and yoga pants are the items on her shopping list. The Online Shopper can’t be bothered to take notes or ponder the implications of the Prisoner’s Dilemma. She has better things to do.
3. The Talker
The Talker will engage in idle chitchat with any unfortunate soul who sits next to him or her. The Talker will start with some simple questions. “What’s your name? What’s your major?” If you don’t inquire likewise, the Talker will offer you this information anyway. The Talker will continue to ask you questions that gradually increase in complexity until he or she is asking, “What is the future of journalism?” Thankfully, the lecture will start before you can answer. The Talker will likely keep quiet—or mostly quiet—for about 50 minutes. But as soon as the lecture is over, the Talker will be eager to pick up the conversation again. An especially determined talker may walk out of the lecture hall with you in an attempt to prolong the fun.
4. Late With Coffee
The person who arrives five minutes late with a Starbucks cup in hand, or “Late With Coffee,” does not deserve sympathy. Late With Coffee walks in and looks around as if she’s surprised lecture has started without her. Lest you find yourself among the unfortunate people sitting in the row Late With Coffee sets her eyes upon, be prepared for the meek smile and apologetic eyes to which, although insincere, it is impossible to say no. Inevitably, this situation ends with three or four innocent people having to shuffle their papers and scramble to pick up their laptops in order to allow Late With Coffee to pass by them with her Caramel Macchiato and not a care in the world.
5. The Pack Up And Leaver
For some reason, the Pack Up And Leaver absolutely cannot wait to pack up his things and get out of lecture. The Pack Up And Leaver starts to close his notebook or put his laptop away with five minutes to go in lecture. The professor is still talking, but this doesn’t seem to matter to the Pack Up And Leaver. When The Pack Up And Leaver decides the lecture is over and starts to pack up his things, he triggers a mass surrender in which 200 people all decide to give up on this particular lecture and call it a day. Not only does the noise of 200 people packing their backpacks render it impossible for the remaining few to listen to the professor; it’s also a slap in the face to the professor. The man “yammering” up in front about evolution earned a Ph.D. from a renowned university and is a leading researcher in his field, but that doesn’t mean he deserves The Pack Up And Leaver’s attention.
In conclusion, don’t be that guy or that girl—that douchebag—who spoils a perfectly mundane lecture for the rest of us.
Challenge yourself this semester to rise above the stereotypical douchebaggery. Make this the semester you show up on time, move in to the middle seats and pretend like you give a crap about what’s going on in lecture.
You can do it. I believe in you.
Do you have any douchebags you would like to add to the list? Share your ideas with Sarah at seolson5@wisc.edu.
