Upon realizing that the Fiscal Cliff will put all Americans in imminent physical pain and danger come Dec. 31, 2012, federal cliff scientists began throwing items off the Fiscal Cliff Thursday to test items that could potentially protect Americans from harm’s way.
The Fiscal Cliff, which stands 550 feet tall on the backside of Mount Rushmore in South Dakota and takes the form of the respective stone presidents’ backsides, poses a greater risk every day. According to a lesser known but equally terrifying ancient Mayan prophecy, it will cause all American citizens to experience hemorrhoids for roughly 48 hours beginning on Dec. 31.
After days on the job, one group of scientists that call themselves the “Cliff Hangers” developed a promising way to avoid the collective pain the looming Fiscal Cliff will cause.
But this strategy has been met with public outcry because it would involve throwing Betty White off the Fiscal Cliff to great depths below.
“Unfortunately, there are just no other people that will do,” said Chief Cliff Hanger Clifford Baxter. “Betty White is the only person that could potentially save the entire American people from two days of extreme discomfort.”
The opposing group of scientists, who were not creative enough to think of a quirky name for themselves, are supporting a plan to do nothing and let Americans “deal with it.”
After nearly an hour of debate, the scientists concluded there was simply no correct answer upon which they could agree. Meanwhile, Betty White is forestalling any decision, enjoying the view with a warm compress upon Theodore Roosevelt’s mustache.
