Growing impatient and bored with the lengthy, policy-driven debate, the American public decided Thursday morning the next debate will simply pit the vice presidential candidates against one another in various American Gladiator-themed events, testing their visceral aptitude and stamina.
The “debate” will remain divided into three televised segments; however, the location of the competition has been moved to the former arena used to shoot episodes of “American Gladiator” in Los Angeles, Calif.
Sources said both candidates will be initially blindfolded and suspended by a cable 25 feet in the air, above a large pool, before they are given two minutes to navigate a hanging maze of gymnastics rings. The objective will be to reach the opposite side of the arena before being either beaten to the finish by their opponent or pulled from off of the rings by their competitor’s legs. All the while, television persona and professional wrestler Hollywood-Hulk Hogan will be bombarding them with large rubber dodge balls shot out of a cannon.
NBC executives confirmed the vice presidential aspect will “certainly not be overlooked come debate time.” Both U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan and Vice President Joe Biden will be placed on a large circular base and given “giant foam ear-swabs,” with which they will attempt to knock one another into a pool of water beneath them.
When asked how he felt about the upcoming, physically demanding competitions, Biden said that “it’s about damn time.”
“I promise, you, the American people, come Oct. 11, at this year’s Bipartisan Bloodbath, I’m going to beat Paul Ryan in an athletically stimulating event. OH YEAH, BROTHER!!!”
