As part of his initiative to save the university money amid mass cuts in state funding, Chancellor Ward announced the first annual UW-Madison Hunger Games in which freshmen will fight to the death.
“It’s a sensible cost-cutting measure that will benefit the campus as a whole,” Chancellor Ward said in his televised announcement. “Also, freshmen totally suck.”
When asked how exactly the Games would save the campus money, Ward said the reaping would take place in the fall semester of 2012 after the point when tuition dollars are refundable. “It’s not as evil as it sounds,” Ward added.
After collectively crapping their pants, current freshmen were relieved to hear that they will avoid the reaping so long as they make sophomore standing by the Fall semester.
Ward, claiming he totally didn’t take the idea from the popular young-adult books and film, said there will be 40 tributes in all. Two tributes will be chosen from each dorm, one girl and one boy, including the new Lakeshore Hall. Witte and Sellery will have to contribute double the normal tributes because of their size and “crimes against the campus and humanity.”
The games are also expected to bring money into the university through sponsorships. Apple and Nike have already committed to multi-million dollar contracts.
When asked what he thought of the state’s flagship university conducting a practice deemed “horrifying” and “completely insane” by outside critics, Gov. Walker said he had no qualms.
“I mean really, I’m all about the ‘dystopia’ thing,” Walker said. “I already bought a hat!”
Incoming freshman Pita Breadsky said he was reconsidering his decision to attend the university, but he weighed the odds of his being chosen with the overall academic experience he would receive at UW-Madison.
“I was so pumped for Halloween, though! And Mifflin! College is gonna be awesome, it’s cool,” he said. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
