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Saturday, May 25, 2024

FAKE NEWS FRIDAY: Humanities major stuns campus by securing employment

Word quickly spread across the UW-Madison campus Thursday of a humanities major earning paid employment upon graduation, resulting in reactions of confusion, despair and hope.

Joel Bloomgarden, who will graduate in May with a Bachelor of Arts in history and comparative literature, was just as shocked as his peers.

“I mean, I’m happy, but I just don’t get it. I didn’t think good things could happen to people who choose to pursue academics that actually interest them,” he said. “Maybe I’m being punk’d.”

Classmates from Bloomgarden’s course on European nihilism recalled the mayhem that ensued when he mentioned his new employment in passing.

“Good thing the Humanities building is riot proof, because there was a lot of chair-throwing going on,” senior Kylie Vergara said. “I was jealous too, of course. But some people took it over the edge.”

“Why him? What makes him so fucking special? I WANT ANSWERS!” shrieked fifth-year senior Emily Ipswich.

The company at which Bloomgarden will be employed come June said they hired him because of the skills he obtained through his liberal arts education.

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“We were impressed by Mr. Bloomgarden’s ability to think critically,” said company CEO Gerald Moneybags. “No, really we were.”

Fellow humanities majors are not the only ones dismayed by Bloomgarden’s good fortune. The Business School and College of Engineering released a joint statement condemning the occurrence.

“Representing all business and engineering majors on this campus, we denounce claims by one Joel Bloomgarden that he has, in fact, been offered a paid position,” the statement read. “If this happenstance is proven to be true, we seek to emphasize that we, the powerful and mighty, still hold the monopoly on all employment ever.”

Still, sophomore English major Stephen Sonnenberg said he is inspired by Bloomgarden’s achievement.

“Maybe there is hope for us yet,” Sonnenberg said.

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