On the concrete, construction-infested, one-way streets of Madison there lurk a variety of specimens both rare and over-populated. Walking to class, many of these breeds can be spotted in their natural habitat. Let us go on a safari of sorts to familiarize ourselves with these beasts of Badgerland.
The first and most prevalent specimen is the retinus-avoidicus, more commonly known as the shifty-eye. This animal avoids eye contact at all costs. Many have speculated why the aversion to locking glances with a stranger is so undesirable, but the main conclusion is this animal is merely uncomfortable in intimate situations or those involving the unknown. They often go to great lengths to avoid looking at someone they know until the last possible second, even when it is clear they saw them coming from several feet away. Local myth says when two shifty-eyes meet each other’s gaze they become mates for life.
Ahoy! Watch out for those animals handing out Bibles on the corner. This creature belongs to the broader Class of religiosofigur-makesmeuncomfortab. When the Bible-hander is encountered, animals like the shifty-eye may even go so far as to pull out a phone and pretend to text someone or pull up the hood of his or her jacket to avoid eye contact with the Bible-hander in an even more dramatic fashion.
Other animals generally recognize the warning signs exuded by the Bible-handers (e.g. the extended arm, the general look of goodwill all over their face) and avert their path, borrow a technique from the shifty eye, or—the bravest of the pack—smile and politely say “No, thank you.” The Bible-hander is a friendly breed, but beware, they may ensnare you in a lengthy discussion you wish to be no part of.
Travelers can find a peculiar beast in the lesser-traveled terrain of the Metro bus. This area is greatly inhabited by roaming animals. There is no exact explanation for why they are drawn to this location, but, like moths to a flame, they often meander along the same path on a daily basis. Communication between the species busriderae-loco is infrequent, yet vocalized sounds are common and seemingly made at random. My observations have led me to conclude their main form of sustenance is artificially flavored cheese puffs.
An easily discernable species is that of the Moped Rider, part of the phylum Athletic Department. The Moped Rider is generally the alpha-male or female of their pack and exudes great physical attributes and strength. These animals are high in demand amongst the Barry Alvarez tribe for their skills and ability to dominate other creatures from neighboring locations. They are known to consume large varieties of protein, but they survive as omnivores.
A more rare breed is that of the immersedinmusicae or the Beat Bumper. This animal is enamored by auditory stimuli and has antenna-like fixtures covering its hearing holes. During their journeys across the Badgerland terrain they often flail in gestures similar to the beating of drums or mouth communication without actually making sound. The bolder of this species occasionally sing their mating songs out loud to the curious stares of fellow animals.
These are just a few of the multitudes of species found in this temperate climate. The overarching generalizations made are the exclusive conclusions drawn by me in my observations over the last two-and-a-half years, yet I feel they may resonate with others who travel to this spirited location and join in the commute across its solid terrain.
Spotted any other curious creatures roaming the streets of Madison lately? Send your lists of badger beasts to Jaime at jbrackeen@wisc.edu, and be sure to include you own scientific nomenclature for said beasts.
