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Friday, May 24, 2024

FAKES NEWS FRIDAY: Bracket disagreement ends epic campus bromance

A whirlwind bromance took an unfortunate turn this past week when sophomores Matt and Andy compared March Madness brackets and realized they did not have the same teams winning the annual basketball competition.

 

Previously named the best bromantic relationship since that of Russell Wilson and Nick Toon, Matt and Andy’s lifelong friendship had blossomed into the deepest bromance Ogg Residence Hall residents had ever witnessed.

 

Recently, however, a bracket dispute between the duo intensified into the bro brawl of the semester, one whose effects are predicted to linger for years to come.

 

“I specifically told him to put Baylor as his top pick, but the bastard went behind my back and went with North Carolina,” Matt said in a recent interview with The Daily Cardinal. “After everything we’ve been through, why would he do this to me? What went wrong?”

 

“I can’t handle this, man. Now I have no excuse to get out of shit like cooking dinner with my girlfriend and watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’” Matt continued. “I need my bro back.”

 

Andy was not available for comment, but rumor has it he locked himself in his room Tuesday and has yet to emerge. He has reportedly been filling the void in his life with Easy Mac binges, day drinking and “Call of Duty” marathons, during which he edited the names of enemy troops so that they were all a variation on “Matt.”

 

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“I honestly don’t see what the big deal is,” said Kelly, Matt’s girlfriend of three weeks. “They’re, like, for real getting way too worked up about this.”

“I’m just glad that I get to have my Matty-Cakes back,” Kelly added.

“Those two were just, like, way too obsessed with each other for my taste.”

 

Several other bros who are tight with Andy and Matt have offered their solutions to the problem, such as bro-hugging it out or peace offerings of Keystone, but it seems as though the two conflicting bros are not willing to compromise anytime soon.

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