Welp, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and for the first time in two years I will be celebrating the holiday alone. But for the love of Cupid do not pity me. If I am being honest, I have never really cared for the holiday, regardless of what my Facebook relationship status listed me as. It is all a bit too hokey, and on a day when all things are expected to be over the top, no relationship can live up to the epic "Boy Meets World" romances I longed for as a preteen.
Still, perhaps I should mark this annual festival of love by reflecting upon my romantic aspirations. One of the perks that comes with working for this fine publication is that publishers send you advance copies of books in need of review. Of course, the books we are sent are not exactly "Harry Potter" or "The Hunger Games." Nope, we get books like "The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband." Now I am not one for self-help books. That said, tomorrow is February 14, so I will review its contents seriously with no intention of sarcasm whatsoever.
Besides, everything about this book suggests it will be terribly useful. First of all, its author is a male married with six children. Move over Carrie Bradshaw! Stephen Wood, the host of a radio program called "Faith & Family," is clearly the expert us single gals need. Furthermore, Dr. Frank Pavone, the national director of Priests for Life, said, "I highly recommend Stephen Wood's ‘The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband.' It inspires hope." You see that! A man who will never choose a husband--or any type of spouse for that matter--advocates it. I doubt a book on finding love could get more credible advice than this guy's, except for maybe that of Amberly Sherman, the spokesperson for Challenge Task Force on Chastity, who called it a "must-read."
If these reviews did not calm your hesitations, allow me to delve into the book. It becomes very obvious within the first few pages that this guide is not for a woman seeking out just any man, but a Roman Catholic one. Interesting. Wood feels that finding a good man is nearly impossible in our pleasure-seeking, divorce-plagued society, but that these Catholic men hold the key. I was raised by a dad who abandoned Catholicism because Catholics tend to be (description censored because I was taught if I cannot say anything nice to not say anything at all), but perhaps the new man in my life, Stephen Wood, should not be dismissed just yet.
He writes, "A woman wishing to attract a man who will love her as a person must dress and act with modesty. God went way overboard when He created Eve... Do you want to fend off the playboys incapable of real love? Then don't dress like a playgirl." Mental note made. I will get rid of all of my scandalous clothes--those that reveal my wrists and ankles--and design a wardrobe based on what "19 Kids and Counting" has taught me is acceptable and will lead to a holy man like Jim Bob. Score!
When it comes to courtship--yes courtship, not dating--Wood is quite the traditionalist. He writes, "It's wise for the man to initiate the courting... Don't tinker with a pattern proven by centuries of experience. Besides, do you really want to marry a man who can't initiate your courtship himself?" Good point, Stephen! Who needs feminism or equality of the genders? Not me! I used to follow this advice because I am a chicken, but now I can follow it because I am a lady. How convenient!
Being a father, Wood feels dads should play a key role in women's relationships. Not only, of course, should suitors ask for permission to date their daughters, but when the going gets rough, dads can actually do the dumping. He writes, "Your dad can do the dirty work that many women find difficult to do... If you find it difficult to say ‘no,' then let your dad do it for you." Well this is handy! In the event the Catholic male I choose turns out to be a dud, my dad can break up with him on my behalf. It makes perfect sense: Over the years he has cooked and cleaned for me. Now he can conclude crumby relationships for me. I am positive my father will love this and not at all feel it absurd or uncomfortable.
Wood even calls out us college girls specifically. He explains, "Whether you are still in college or have graduated, one of the most dangerous places to socialize with a man you are courting is in a private apartment with just the two of you there. Literally millions of Christians have fallen headlong into sexual immorality in this setting which they thought they were capable of handling." Ruh roh. I guess I should have known Wood would be a virgin enthusiast. Taking a shockingly unique stance, he only wants V-cards cashed in for bouncy Catholic babies.
Perhaps you are content with this. Perhaps you feel God gave us hands and mouths for a reason. Fortunately, Wood agrees with you. Unfortunately, he agrees with you for non-sexual reasons. He writes, "Intimate kissing and caressing are designed to ignite the flames of marital love between husband and wife. In creating the great mystery of the marital embrace, God hasn't designed any convenient stopping points on the way to consummated physical love." That means no heavy petting, Badgers. God is a real buzzkill sometimes.
"The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband" contains so much great advice I am incapable of listing it all here, but, to conclude, here are some good guidelines to follow: turtlenecks and floor-length skirts are key, keep your hands and mouth where everyone can see them (but your genitals out of sight and mind) and when in doubt just stand in the corner of a room and wait for a Catholic fella to come sweep you off your feet and/or initiate your courtship. Now if you will please excuse me, I have some advice to put into action.
Do you not understand sarcasm and feel the need to tell Jacqueline not to take any of Stephen Wood's advice seriously? E-mail her at jgoreilly@dailycardinal.com and warn her of Wood's misguidance.
