Here we find ourselves, Badgers: the worst few weeks of the semester. The giant clit (yes, clit) tease that is Thanksgiving Break is regrettably behind us, and in its place has come a slew of term papers, exams and projects professors tossed onto the syllabus at the last minute, because hey, why the hell not? The TA is the one who has to suffer through grading my under-researched paper on the Cold War anyway.
We as students find ourselves willing to take whatever means necessary to get through the end of the semester with all limbs in tact. The good news is we know that in one month’s time—less, in fact—everything will have ended. We do not know how exactly we will make it to that finish line, but time stops for no stressed Badger, so for better or for worse we will cross it. Let’s just be thankful college students have “matured” to the point where sending home report cards is no longer necessary.
I, for one, find that it is the simple pleasures that keep me chugging along in December. Sure, imbibing on gin is a reliable go-to—one I put into good practice over the weekend—but sometimes you have to get more creative, especially when alcohol only increases the frequency of those damn inopportune naps.
Jacqueline’s little luxuries:
Comforts for my tush:
For example, I have a stockpile of toilet paper on the top shelf of my bathroom closet. Most of it is the generic brand and one notch above construction paper. But one lovely six pack of Charmin Ultra sits amongst them, a gift my benevolent parents got for me during their last visit to Madison. When the time came to replace the toilet paper roll yesterday, I decided to indulge in the name-brand goodness. This month will suck no matter how hard I pray (read: whine). I may as well wipe with something plush.
Chocolatey noms:
My Advent calendar is also a small thing that provides happiness in this bleakest of bleak months. Before doing anything else with my day, I roll out of bed, stumble the approximate one and a half steps to my desk, groggily ram into it (because it is 10:30 a.m. and that is early in my book) then open that day’s respective door. Advent calendars are like a perfectly rigged version of “The Price is Right:” Behind every door is chocolate! There is no bullshit year’s supply of Centrum Silver waiting for you, just solid cocoa noms. Happy holidays indeed.
“Parks & Rec”:
Watching my favorite television shows while falling asleep is also something basic that keeps me cheery. Sure, sometimes “Parks and Recreation” draws me in so thoroughly that I only end up losing sleep, making me exponentially more cranky, but let us ignore that fact for the moment. As my eyelids grow heavier and heavier, there is little I enjoy more than swooning over Adam Scott’s profound cuteness. Eventually I drift to sleep, where he now stars in my dreams as the token of my affection, by which I mean he writes my political science paper. Nothing turns me on in December quite like someone offering to do my work for me. I don’t even care if people can do it well, so long as they do it. And let me tell you, Adam can.
Silky leggings:
My final small pleasure, one hotly debated in the Dairy State, is wearing leggings. Yes: shiny, skin-tight, black nylon leggings. I’m sorry, Wisconsinites, but on the comfort scale, they are the second best thing after walking around naked. Deal with it.
Sure, the above techniques can only do so much to appease the hell of finals, but surely spandex and chocolate with a plastic essence cannot hurt. And when in doubt, just fail stuff. Grades do not matter. Just look at our governor.
Have a simple way to help Jacqueline get through finals? Send her your tips at jgoreilly@wisc.edu.
