My mom, like every mom ever, enjoys the music of Amy Grant. I am no music snob, but I do draw a line here. Still, moms will be moms, and every December like clockwork Amy Grant’s Home for Christmas finds its way into our stereo.
On said album is the track “Grown-up Christmas List,” a song that is supposed to be touching but I find, like so many touching things, completely nauseating. Grant sings, “No more lives torn apart / That wars would never start / And time would heal all hearts / Everyone would have a friend / And right would always win / And love would never end / This is my grown-up Christmas list.”
She’s not wishing for much—just solutions to all of humanity’s unsolvable problems. I know cynicism is supposed to melt away during the holidays, but if I found this song reasonable, it is likely I’d be suffering from a personality disorder, not just a case of severe holiday cheer.
As such, I’ve put together a more grounded Christmas list. While still intangible, I’m not asking Santa for world peace or everlasting love. So may I take this moment to say this holiday season, I wish…
To care about the Cold War 20-pages worth
I wish someone had told me four years ago that a love of politics does not always translate to a love of political science. Had I been told this, I would not have enrolled in my current international relations seminar, a seminar that is requiring me to write a 20-page paper on the Cold War’s end.
Let’s get something straight: I DO NOT GIVE TWO RIPS. To all of the history fanatics whose buttholes just tightened, allow me to clarify. Yes, I understand the Cold War and its conclusion shaped the trajectory of domestic and international politics, but I do not want to be the one to analyze this, especially in a 20-page paper that counts for 70 percent of my grade. But for better or for worse, I will have to, so I ask the universe for just 20-pages worth of interest in this horrifically dense topic.
Also, I ask that my professor not read this column.
For the willpower to stop watching ‘Storage Wars’ marathons
I firmly believe that if you are going to watch television during finals season, it has to be something of the mindless persuasion. “What Not to Wear?” Yes! “Ace of Cakes?” Duh! “Two and a Half Men?” I’ll judge you pretty harshly, but sure! “The West Wing?” Whoa, stop, you’re attempting to think.
My poison is “Storage Wars.” It is just so profoundly bad, and you cannot help but feel intelligent when you watch these people attempt to string words into sentences whilst shoveling what is likely a dead old lady’s junk out of a 10x10 storage space—not a bad self-esteem boost during a demoralizing time of the year.
Still, at some point the remote needs to be put down, but that is the step I struggle with. The show may be bad, but it is just so damn addictive, and perhaps only the strength of Santa can help me to press the power button.
That CoffeeBytes’ cups would stop leaking
Am I the only one who suffers from this plight? I hope not, because if so the next 100 words are going to make me sound like a doofus who doesn’t know how to drink from a disposable coffee cup. Let’s assume for now that this is not the case and that all other CoffeeBytes patrons have mysterious brown stains on their jeans from lost drops of Sumatra.
I love CoffeeBytes 20 percent for its product and 80 percent for its convenient location. I work both in the Student Activity Center and Vilas Hall, and during the last few weeks of the semester, I shuffle between the two buildings like a comatose zombie. Thus, Coffeebytes is my refueling station, though I always lose precious globules of caffeine from the moment I pay for the overpriced cup. Help a girl out: Every drop of coffee counts this month, especially for a gal who is on page three of 20 of her term paper.
To learn the true identity of ‘Foodie’
Avid readers of The Daily Cardinal may have noticed there is someone commenting online under the alias “Foodie” on the majority of Page Two columns. This mystery person picks an item mentioned in the article, and comments, “Mmm… (insert a hot and/or delicious item mentioned in article here).” I have texted nearly every Cardinal alum I know asking if they are this mysterious being, though all have denied it left and right. So perhaps this is my biggest Christmas wish: Foodie, reveal yourself to the world.
Alright, I’ve put my hopes out there. Let’s hope the universe can grant me a few favors.
Happy holidays, Badgers! May all of your wishes come true!
Do you cry every time you listen to “Grownup Christmas List?” Well that’s pathetic, but explain to Jacqueline why she’s got it wrong at jgoreilly@wisc.edu.
