My fellow concert fanatics will know what I’m talking about when I say getting to the front row for some shows is no small feat.
There’s pushing, some shoving and always the obligatory false apology for cutting in front of someone who’s been standing there way longer than you. It’s either say sorry or receive the finger. Sometimes it’s still the finger.
So when I get up there, I want to stay there, damn it. This can be made increasingly difficult when:
1. The overweight men in front of you keep sloshing their beer all over the place (tolerable).
2. These overweight men superfluously continue to clink PBR cans with you after resolving a tiff resulting from point one (annoying, but again, I can deal).
3. One of these dudes keeps dropping ass like a mofo and it sort of makes you want to die (entirely unacceptable).
Seriously, it was like a cloud of mustard gas lingering right around my face and no amount of turning my head the other direction or breathing into my shirt could staunch the putrid odor. We must learn from this incident lest I vom on someone’s back next time.
Please, for the love of god, follow these tips next time you plan on camping out center stage:
-Save burrito night for another occasion.
-Take Beano before consuming your hipster beer of choice.
-Wear cologne/perfume (unless it’s Axe in which case I might despise you more).
-At least stand in the back where fresh air is more accessible and standing space is less valuable.
I promise if you do these things you will find the standard jabbing elbows in your side few and far between at the next event you attend. You might even meet a girl (or guy, because yes, sometimes girls fart too). Just please, PLEASE stop farting in the front row.
Tired of suffocating from the rancid odor of a Qdoba bean burrito? Lament with Jaime at jbrackeen@wisc.edu.
