I will admit that I am a tad off my rocker when it comes to the holiday season. I start jammin’ to Frank Sinatra’s Christmas Legends album way before I’ve indulged in four different pies, turkey, stuffing and an abundance of potatoes on turkey day ( ’round abouts Sept. 16 to be exact). Insane? Maybe. But for me, nothing can cheer me up like hearing Frank sing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” as I huff and puff my way up Bascom.
However, I simply do not understand why I have to save all of the other absolutely magnificent aspects of Christmas for Dec. 1. Costco and Target sure as hell didn’t wait until after Thanksgiving to put out giant Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman figurines for your front yard. (In fact, Costco unleashed their Christmas décor in September and Target followed suit in October. And yes, I did meander through their Christmas aisles immediately after spotting the dazzling lights.) Each time I overhear someone bitch about some festive chum hanging up Christmas lights and an innocent little wreath before Thanksgiving, I swear a knife pierces my heart. Rather than openly bemoan their cynical disposition, I mutter “Scrooge” under my breath and remind myself that they will most certainly be getting coal in their stocking this year.
In light of the month of November ending and my intense desire to put on one of my (many) ugly Christmas sweaters and spread holiday cheer to all those I meet, I am now going to try to sway all of you Grinches into accepting—possibly even enjoying—my holly jolly spirit long before I carve my turkey.
Reasons not to wait until Dec. 1:
Tempting Treats
Picture this: You’re walking up the stairwell to my apartment. The familiar scent of incense mixed with ganja and cigarette smoke is seeping out from under my neighbor’s door when suddenly, you catch a hint of a surprisingly delectable aroma. You open my door and BAM. I have a fresh batch of peanut butter blossoms and pumpkin gingerbread cookies cooling on the counter. Now tell me, are you really going to be upset if the date is Nov. 1 rather than Dec. 1 when I so graciously offer these scrumptious treats?
Delectable Drinks
What if on top of tempting you with festive cookies, I decide to brew up some piping hot cups of hot cocoa, complete with five mini marshmallows and a hint of peppermint extract? Can you really resist the sweet smell of mint and chocolate, arguably one of the best flavor pairings ever concocted, simply because it’s Nov. 9, not Dec. 9?
Enchanting Lights
Rather than waste my scant funds on ceiling lights, why not plug in some magical red and white lights and light a few pumpkin-spice candles while we snuggle up with our cups of cocoa and cookies to watch “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows — Part Two?” Not only will my apartment somehow manage to smell even better than it did before, but I’m telling you the ambience the lights create will literally (said in the voice of Chris Traeger in Parks & Rec) make my living room about as enchanted as Hogwarts. Now tell me Mr. Grinch, are you going to dispel this captivating scene by unplugging my lights and blowing out my candles because it’s Nov. 17?
Festive Swag
And last (but certainly not least), will my wearing an absurdly oversized Christmas sweater with an enormous Christmas tree complete with jingle bells, bows and shoulder pads really offend you if it’s Nov. 24 instead of Christmas Eve? What if I pair it with a foxy turtleneck adorned with wreaths, gold stars and Christmas trees? How about if I’m donning a Christmas brooch in the shape of a red bow on the collar and green jingle bell earrings? I promise to refrain from putting on the elf or Santa hat I own, but come on. You can’t tell me that won’t spur a little chuckle out of you, even if it’s followed by “you’ll be walking on the other side of the street today.”
I promise to reserve my Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra jam sessions for my solitary walks to class. But damnit, ’tis the season to be jolly, and if I invite you over to split a bottle Cedar Creak Winery’s Christmas Wine with me, you best not reject me just because it ain’t Dec. 1. And if there happens to be a batch of peppermint fudge, you sure as shit better eat at least four pieces.
Besides, I am dying to put my completely irrational and unnecessary purchases from Target to good use, namely my Christmas wine glasses, coffee mugs, Santa plates and cups, and assorted cookie cutters. So wipe that angry look off your face, put on a Christmas vest and have yourself a merry fuckin’ little Christmas.
Interested in splitting a bottle of Christmas wine and donning an ugly Christmas vest with Rebecca to celebrate this holiday season? E-mail her at alt2@wisc.edu and bring a batch of peppermint bark while you’re at it.
