Contrary to most people I know, I absolutely adore infomercials. I think they are hysterical. Every spokesperson is far too enthusiastic for anyone to take them or the product seriously. Viewing them becomes even more enjoyable when a thirty-something-year-old guy with his gelled-to-the-max frosted tips in the spokesperson in question. That 'do has not been in style since I was in third grade, though I'd argue it should never have been in style. I love how hard Vince Shlomi (ShamWow! and Slap Chop guy) tries to look badass with those ghastly tips. Vince, you don't need to try and look badass. You're a convicted felon selling glorified washcloths. No one thinks you're a badass.
Naturally, one of my favorite infomercials is that of the ShamWow! I was totally sold on the towel. That little ditty would have been real useful this morning when I spilt a full cup of coffee all over the table, drenching my roommate's papers, including her birth certificate and job application. I could have wiped the whole table and her papers clean had I been in possession of the magical ShamWow! After all, it holds as much water as 12 papers towels, and I used roughly 20 this morning while frantically trying to salvage my roomie's documents.
Next up, Potty Patch, an absolutely great infomercial. Got a dog that won't stop piddling in your house while you're at work? No problem! Just put this tiny patch of fake grass somewhere in the house, and Champ can piddle there! Nevermind the fact that your house will probably reek of urine for weeks on end, and possibly poo too if he or she needs to go number two. At least it isn't on your nice hardwood floors. And with time, you'll get used to that lingering smell of piss and feces. Although I should warn you, any guests that visit your home may or may not be accustomed to this odor, so do not be alarmed if they have a look of disgust on their face for the entire time they are over.
I can only describe the next product in one word: genius. Can you guess which product I'm talking about? No? PajamaJeans of course! They look exactly like real jeans but without that confining and binding in the waist and legs. They're so comfortable, you'll want to sleep in them. Gained weight lately? No problemo, just slip these bad boys on! The elastic band allows you as much breathing room as you want for that old muffin top of yours.
Wear PajamaJeans to the next fiesta you attend, and I guarantee you'll get a number of... comments on them. And you won't even have to pack pajamas in case said fiesta turns into a slumber party. Could a product offer any more versatility?
Now, I can't leave out some kind of workout product. Lo and behold the Ab Circle! Crunches not getting you anywhere? Tired of that little pooch that pokes out of your T-shirt? Love handles not gettin' you any love these days? Then try the Ab Circle! Instantly you'll see your flab melt away and a six-pack move on in. You'll finally be able to pull out that yellow polka-dot bikini or Speedo you've been dying to wear, look in the mirror and think ""dayuuum!"" If you don't have a six-pack within 30 days, you're either doing it wrong or are too obese to see results that quickly. Never fear, in time you will reap the benefits of this fantastical Ab Circle!
Last, but definitely not least, is the Snuggie. Is your house/apartment/condo constantly freezing no matter how high you turn up the heat? Does your body run at a low temperature? Are you tired of always having to take your poor, frozen arms out from under the cozy blanket to change the channel or answer the phone? This incessant suffering stops now with the sensational product, Snuggie! You can keep yourself snug as a bug in a rug all day long. You can wear it to those bitter cold soccer and football games your kids force you to attend! You can throw a movie party and make Snuggies mandatory upon entering your frigid home. Snuggies come in all types of colors and sizes (even for your dog!), including zebra and cheetah patterns! If there is one product you simply must indulge in, it is the Snuggie. Order now!
As a matter of fact, I'm online and about to snap up one of 'em with little Bucky heads all over it. What else would I wear to dress to impress at next year's football games?
Got any favorite infomercials? E-mail them to Rebecca at alt2@wisc.edu and she'll add them to her must-watch TV schedule.
