Ladies, stop me if you've heard this story before: So I was at the bar last Thursday with my girls, y'know, getting our swerve on. We were having a great time, dancing on the bar, taking flaming shots (they tasted JUST like Dr. Pepper!) and playing Who's-Wearing-Whose-Underwear.
Then all of a sudden the bartender cuts off our lady jams (Shania Twain y'all!) and turned on a sports game.
My ladies and I looked around at each other like, ""WTF?"" Total buzzkill, right? I was just about to work up the nerve to get my grind on with the supercute beardy guy from my Anthro 104 discussion, then as soon as the game came on he was like, ""OMG SPORTS TIME"" and was like, magnetically drawn to the flat-screen TV at the bar. Can a sister get a break?
I'll get to the point: The U.S. government should outlaw spectator sports, for me and for all ladies everywhere.
Whenever I bring up this argument to my girlfriends, they're always like, ""Right on girl!"" or ""WOO APPLETINIS!"" But whenever I bring the subject up with my guy friends (I like to call them ""my bros"") they're always like, ""Who are you and why do you keep talking to me?"" Sillies!
On the real, I'm not going to be young forever, and if watching sports keeps taking up so much of our nation's man-time, when will I ever have a chance to land a guy, get married and birth scads of squalling babies? True, there's always the option of telling a guy I'm on the pill and pulling the old switcheroo on him, but I can't afford another custody battle.
The crux of the matter is this: If the U.S. government continues to allow spectator sports, we risk losing our virile young stallions to the TV, the Internet and the sports-watching-place forever. Heck, who's to say they won't all turn gay being surrounded by so much testosterone all the time? The future of our population growth is in serious peril.
Don't think I haven't thought this through—there are benefits for the athletes too. First off, do you know how stressful it is to be constantly performing for thousands of belligerent fans? I played Grizzabella in the Mount Horeb Dinner Theatre's production of ""Cats"" last summer, and trust me, it was not a pleasant experience. It's like, leave the athletes alone already! All they want to do is get super sweaty and grab each other's balls in peace, OK? They don't need you watching them to add even more pressure.
Just think of a world without spectator sports: No more idiotic jerseys and cheers; no more sports columnists whining about the condition of the Erie, Pennsylvania hockey arena; no more sweaty, grunting guys exerting themselves while you're trying to watch ""Gossip Girl"" reruns (Sounds like my Saturday night, am I right ladies?).
Still, if I did care about sports, I'd say the Brewers are poised to lead the AL with 216 home runs and win 95 games, only to lose to the revamped Boston Red Sox, since the squad formerly known as Harvey's Wall Bangers have played in the National League since 1998.
Will less sports mean more sex? Will more sex mean more babies? Email Emma at editor@dailycardinal.com.
