Everyone can think of a point in their lives where they'd like to hit the rewind button and completely re-live their respective moment of disgrace, stupidity, or dumb luck. I, having been a pristine example of how not do things at many, many points in my life, naturally think these types of thoughts quite often. However, I am educated to some degree, and though I've dabbled with the possibility of time travel, I've never found anything on the Internet that could come close to working to get my hopes up on the subject. Though I'm still looking.
As far as I can tell, the only surefire way to feel better about making an ass of yourself is to put your shame aside and see the humor in the situation. For example, when I took a turn on my twin speed far too fast and flew over my handlebars on University, spilling coffee all over my new shirt, I was pissed. And I knew people all around me were stifling giggles under their wholly genuine, ""concerned"" looks. Instead of becoming irate and throwing things like I usually do, I sat there and laughed my ass off—it felt great.
I wanted to share this life realization with my fellow schoolmates, so I sent out a few mass e-mails asking for degrading, embarrassing situations they'd like to have publicly ridiculed. The number of responses was overwhelming.
Instead of just presenting these stories in a half-assed, semi-funny paragraph format, I figured I'd tell the stories through limericks. If you're one of the few not familiar with 18th century European comedy, a limerick is a five-phrase poem, usually vulgar and comedic in nature—perfect for the given situation. These names have not been changed, and the stories are true. Let us begin.
Amber W., Infected
Joining a sorority was Amber's ambition
She went to a social, her informal audition
Shared a few Slurpees
Now she's got herpesShe needed some friends, but got a physician.
Stewart G., Junior
Game day was rough for thirsty old Stew
Drank too much, and on his girlfriend did spew
Called her friends sluts
Then got kicked in the nuts
His friends are still waiting, for him to come to.
Nate S., Former Sophomore
Calc didn't come easy to plain-minded Nate
He struggled all night just to integrate
He crafted a cheat sheet
Slipped it under his seat
Got caught, and now works for the interstate
Lars K., Freshman
There once was a freshman named Lars
Who needed a fake for the bars
Paid a guy on the Web
But got robbed instead
Now all he can buy are cigars
Samuel R., Idiot
Sam got far too blazed, and imagined he could fly
So he mounted his window, his friends yelled, ""You'll die!""
He jumped out like a lemur
Then shattered his femur
Now only on ground level, can Sam get high
Caroline, Junior
Love didn't come easy to poor Caroline
So to find a partner, she ventured online
A date she arranged
But the guy was deranged
Her first restraining order, she soon did sign.
What do you think of Andrew's limerick skills? How about the embarrassing stories? E-mail Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu with your comments, concerns or personal limericks.
