I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions. I don't understand the point—if I want to make a change in my life, I can just as easily start on May 16 as on Jan. 1. The sentiment is nice enough—a new year, a fresh new start. But how many people do you know who actually stick to their New Year's resolutions for the entire year, let alone the rest of their lives?
There are a number of resolutions I hear over and over again and you may have too. One such example would be ""I am going to lose the freshman 15 I gained fall semester"" (or sophomore, junior or senior 15…). It seems totally doable at first. How hard is 15 pounds? People lose weight all the time. Hell, look at those ads for Hydroxycut and Slim Fast! They lose 30 pounds in two weeks! Then the first weekend rolls around and you find yourself in an intense Flipadelphia match (flip cup for those of you who, for some odd reason, do not watch ""It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"") for two solid hours. You realize the next day that you consumed your weight in Keystone Light and that bathroom scale is probably not going to show you a pretty number.
Another common example of an inconceivable New Year's resolution is, ""I am going to stay on top of the reading and homework for my classes this semester.""
During the first couple of weeks you are really motivated. New classes, new professors, no exams in sight… life is beautiful. After about month or so though, you begin to find yourself stalking someone on Facebook whom you've never actually met rather than writing your 10-page research paper, or getting sucked into a new TV show such as ""Dexter"" or ""Weeds""—both of which are on Netflix watch instantly—and you are fucked. You don't stand a chance against the exhilarating plot lines, and you will inevitably end up watching 10 hours of ""Dexter"" or scheming your own plan to start a bakery with special treats rather than studying for your mid-term the next day.
That is why this year, rather than make absolutely no goals at all, I have set goals that are gratifying and more realistic and even gratifying goals. First, I will finish all the seasons of ""Dexter."" This is totally feasible considering I am almost through season four, meaning all I have to do is somehow manage to get my hands on season five which just ended recently. Piece o' cake!
Second, once my Macbook's camera is fixed, I will leave videos of various pointless things on my friends' walls at least once a week. Examples of video content could be inconsequential events of my day, musical numbers possibly with hand puppets or choreographed dances and maybe even a handful of videos of my steady progression into inebriation after I have just finished my first round of exams.
Third, I will put an end to my futile attempts at not indulging in something delectably sweet and satisfying at least once every day. And so, if I decide a bar of dark chocolate is what will curb my craving, I'll be consuming some anti-oxidants to counteract the Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey I had for lunch. Plus, I figure the extra insulation will help hinder the bitter cold of January, February and March… sometimes April.
Fourth, I will find a use for my new classy wine airator at least once a week. For those of you who are not sophisticated wine connoisseurs like me, wine airators are devices that make cheap and/or bad tasting wines taste like drops of heaven on your tongue. Or at least make Franzia slightly palatable.
The next goal of mine will be the most difficult to maintain. I will attempt not to drop my new fancy phone into the toilet and/or onto the concrete after a considerably rough night. This is especially important since I hate plastic phone covers with a passion, so did not purchase one when I got the phone. I've already dropped it once, but only on a hardwood floor. Let's keep this up.
Last, it is of utmost importance that I find a new show that can replace ""Dexter"" as my new obsession that will continuously pull me away from my studies until the fifth season comes out on DVD. If you have any suggestions whatsoever, I am all ears.
Are you still trying to keep up with your unrealistic New Year's resolution? Or have you failed/given up already. E-mail Rebecca at alt2@wisc.edu with your progress report.
