Todd: Hello?
Red Cross:Hi, this is Linda, from the American Red Cross. I'm calling today to let you know that our blood supply often tends to run low during the holiday season, and because demand is so high, we could really use your help. I see in our records that you are a type-O donor and your last contribution was over eight weeks ago. Would you mind if we schedule you for an appointment this week to help contribute to our donor supply?
Todd: Sure, I'd be happy to. I'll find out when I'm available and schedule an appointment then.
Red Cross: Thank you, sir. We greatly appreciate your generosity. We look forward to your donation in the coming days.
TWO DAYS LATER
Todd: Hello?
Red Cross: Hi, this is Linda from the American Red Cross. I'm calling today to let you know that our blood supply often tends to run low during the holiday season, and because demand is so high—
Todd: Yes, you called earlier this week. I said I'd get around to scheduling an appointment later.
Red Cross: Well now that you've had some time to think about it, do you think you could schedule an appointment this Thursday? How about 2:30 p.m., does that work for you Mr. Stevens?
Todd: Er, I actually have a really busy schedule. It's hard to tell when I'll have the time. Tell you what, I'll figure it out and schedule an appointment online, OK?
Red Cross: That sounds great Mr. Stevens. We look forward to your donation in the coming days.
THE NEXT DAY
Todd: Hello?
Red Cross: WHERE ARE YOU?
Todd: Er… who is this?
Red Cross:
THIS IS LINDA FROM THE AMERICAN RED CROSS. WE NEED YOUR BLOOD. DONATE WILLINGLY OR WE WILL TAKE IT BY FORCE.
Todd: Uh…
Red Cross: CAN WE SCHEDULE YOU FOR A DONATION APPOINTMENT THIS FRIDAY AT NOON?
Todd: I actually have class then…
Red Cross: BULLSHIT. GIVE US YOUR DELICIOUS TYPE-O BLOOD NOW.
(Todd hangs up)
LATER THAT DAY ON FACEBOOK
Messages (1)
The American Red Cross sent you a message: Listen, you lapsed blood donor heathen. Your donation could save three lives. We even have those lives picked out for you: Little Jimmy Aberkowski, age 5; Mrs. Kristin Sanders, age 37 and mother of 2; and Minnesota Twins all-star catcher Joe Mauer. Don't ask how we know these people will need your blood, just know that if you fail to donate Joe Mauer will die, and that is a promise. We look forward to your donation in the coming days.
(Todd blocks American Red Cross on Facebook, sends dire message telling Joe Mauer to hire extra security)
THE NEXT MORNING
(Todd wakes up tethered to a steel slab)
Todd: What… where am I?
Red Cross: You're in our special Maximum Security Donation Center, Mr. Stevens. Please get comfortable as we prepare you for your donation. I'm Linda, and I'm—
Todd:… from the American Red Cross. Got it.
Red Cross: Would you be willing to perform a double platelet donation today, sir?
Todd: Wait, what if I don't make the donor requirements?
Red Cross: Such as?
Todd: Well, I've, er… spent over three months in Africa in the past year.
Red Cross: You look healthy.
Todd: I solicited prostitutes while I was there.
Red Cross: I'm sure you took the utmost safety precautions.
Todd: They had the ebola virus.
Red Cross: We have a cure.
Todd: Dammit.
For the record, Todd has never been to Africa, nor has he ever solicited prostitutes infected with the ebola virus. If you have a better excuse he can use to get out of donating blood, send them to ststevens@wisc.edu.
