The first time I had an orgasm occurred approximately three years after the first time I had sex.
The purpose of this column is not to embarrass or excoriate any of my former lovers. Nor is it a gratuitous airing of my dirty laundry for all to see—quite the contrary, actually, this column is one of those rare ones in which I find myself unsteady on my feet, unsure where to go, how to proceed, or where to make jokes.
Writing this column requires me to recall a time in the development of my own sexuality during which I was not nearly as confident, during which I faked orgasms because I was so embarrassed and frustrated, during which I secretly wondered if I even had a clitoris, during which my afterglow consisted of tears streaming down my face in the dark because I felt so defeated and, literally, broken.
I tried everything. I had a lot of sex. I tried to masturbate. I read female anatomy books by the truckload. I awkwardly asked my gynecologist why I wasn't having orgasms. She looked at me for a moment and just said, ""It will come."" Ouch.
But I digress. The purpose of this column is you.
I'm a female-bodied grad student in my mid-twenties and I've never had an orgasm. I've tried masturbation, vibrators, and experimenting with partners, but so far no luck. I know that big part of the problem is in my head so I'm working on that... but I'm relatively certain that a big part is also technique and not being able to figure out what works for me. In talking with friends I know I'm not the only one, so from all of us...could you give us some explicit tips? We know we need to find out what works for us, but we'd all love some ideas as to what, exactly, might work.
—Needs Other Potential Excitatory Actions Kthx (NO PEAK)
This year, I concluded a three-year tenure with Sex Out Loud. I have written dozens of sex advice columns for both campus newspapers. I have done hundreds of programs and events and talked with thousands of students. And I can tell you without a doubt that NO PEAK is exactly right; they are not the only ones. Not even close. Additionally, there are a whole bunch of partners out there who wonder what they can do, what they're doing wrong, why their female partners don't have orgasms.
In some ways, the commonness of the question is almost beside the point. I am also writing this column because I see the looks in your eyes when I answer these questions. Too often, I fail to truly ease anyone's sense of doubt or discouragement. ""Oh, what does she know?"" you think. ""She works for Sex Out Loud. She writes the sex column. She probably has mad crazy sex all the time. She doesn't understand what it's like.""
But I do understand. And because this topic is so vast, and so near and dear to my heart, we will be spending the next two weeks on it. This is the last sex column before break, but when we come back, you will hear from a whole group of fabulous ladies of varying ages, relationship statuses, sexual identities, etc. offering personal perspectives and tips on orgasms. The week after that, you'll hear from another group of fabulous folks offering personal perspectives and tips on helping a female partner achieve orgasm.
So have a wonderful break and stay tuned, folks. I assure you, there is so much more to come.
Sex questions? Comments? Interested in contributing to the female orgasm series? E-mail sex@dailycardinal.com.
