For the last several years, I've mocked the show ""Two and a Half Men"" to no end, accusing it of being the worst form of television comedy. But this whole time, I've been a bit of a hypocrite, as I've never actually watched an entire episode. So for the sake of fairness, I decided to give the show a chance and streamed an episode online. And not only was it terrible, it was worse than I could have imagined. The following is a minute-by-minute recap of my experience.
0:00––The episode's title is ""Hookers, Hookers, Hookers."" At long last, a primetime network television series makes the effort to delve into the tragic circumstances of the American sex trade.
0:10––""Previously on Two and a Half Men"" shows up. Who knew Charlie Sheen was such a stickler for continuity?
1:02––What happened previously on ""Two and a Half Men""? Apparently Jon Cryer moved out of Sheen's apartment and started living with his girlfriend. Sheen's mother then threatens to visit him more often because he has an extra bedroom available. Cryer burns down his girlfriend's house while having sex with said girlfriend and is forced to take his girlfriend and son back to Sheen's apartment and live there again. Also, these people are all mostly naked while doing this because everything is funnier when done naked.
1:30––Cryer starts commenting on how predictable last episode's events were. It's right there in the title––you can't have ""Two-and-a-Half Men"" without one-and-a-half of the men. Cryer says, ""You can't write this stuff!"" See, ""30 Rock,"" CBS can do meta, too.
2:00––While all this is going on, Cryer has a towel wrapped around his head in a very womanly fashion. This shows that he is effeminate, and thus makes him funny.
3:30––Cryer's girlfriend mentions for the fifth time that Cryer burned down her house. This is very helpful, because while the opening credits were rolling I'm sure the audience had forgotten this information. Also, hearing that Cryer burned down a house is just as hilarious the fifth time as it was the first, second, third and fourth time.
5:25––The half-man makes a joke about weed. At this point he has been on the show for six or seven years, and when you've been working that long as a child actor, many kids develop a very naturalistic screen presence and become very comfortable on camera. Not this kid. He's about as expressive as a Galapagos tortoise who just had a stroke. And died from it.
6:00––Ryan Stiles shows up as a guest star. It's really good to see the ""Whose Line Is It Anyway?"" team getting some choice comic roles. This is one of the best opportunities any of them have had since Colin Mochrie played the snack fairy in those Fig Newton ads.
9:00––It's actually a proven fact that ""hooker"" is the funniest word in the English language, right ahead of ""dipthong"" and ""cunnilingus"" (sadly, no TV show in history has managed to place all three of those words in the same sentence). Thankfully ""Two and a Half Men"" has mastered the art of mentioning hookers whenever possible, such as how Sheen just went through his list of cell phone contacts naming off all the prostitutes. Who needs to put actual effort into setting up a punch line when you can just bring up hookers?
14:00–– Cryer's character is neurotic, childish and incompetent, yet he manages to find women like his ex-wife and his current girlfriend who are immensely attractive. It's a unique character rarely seen in popular culture. Except in Woody Allen movies. And Kevin Smith movies. And every other family sitcom ever made.
17:30––All the men in the show are discussing how marriage sucks. Once again, this is uncharted territory for a sitcom.
21:00––Sheen ends the show by heading off to have sex with a deaf hooker. Not only is this show cutting edge, it's classy.
22:00––Credits mercifully roll. I leave my television, soul damaged beyond repair.
Todd recovered from his traumatic ""Two and a Half Men"" experience by watching the ""Mad Men"" finale. If you would like to discuss actual worthwhile entertainment, such as the shocking behavior of Don Draper, email Todd at ststevens@wisc.edu.
