So a few days ago I was at Memorial Union, you know, the one by the lake. I was shamefully stuffing my face with soggy Rathskeller fries and a not at all unexpected overcooked Badger Burger, when I unfortunately ran into an acquaintance of mine from high-school chess club.
It was the notorious Edgar Chivers (Ed for short—by one goddamn syllable), ranked 25th in the world of World of Warcraft, able to solve a Rubik's cube in 19.6 seconds and known extraterrestrial fanatic. Before I could duck outside and make a desperate run for it, Ed had me cornered against that wall with the German version of Paul Bunyan painted on it. Suddenly, I found MYSELF the one with a need for an axe, as you'll soon realize why.
Anyway, Ed started up on a real bender of a conversation, even by his lofty standards. It was basically 40 minutes of talking in my general direction regarding some new planet in a nearby solar system that scientists recently sniped with a telescope. They found that it closely resembled earth, with a proposed near-100 percent chance that it holds some sort of extraterrestrial life. To ""Chubby Chivs,"" as we used to call him, this news was like finding out that Megan Fox wanted in his pants on Christmas, after winning the lottery … twice.
He went on and on about finally having proof for his long-held and unique ""theory"" that we weren't alone in the Universe and we all should prepare accordingly for ""what lies ahead."" Whatever the hell he meant by that last part besides making a crude tinfoil hat and learning the Vulcan hand gesture for prosperity, I have no idea.
I figured the best way to make him lose interest in me was to treat him like I used to treat my dog. I just avoided direct eye contact and refused to acknowledge his presence, no matter how loud and agitated he got and eventually he left me to my now cold and soggy fries.
To be honest, I really didn't and still don't give a shit about Ed's deranged fantasies of shaking hands with a friendly traveler from another world. Or for that matter, indulging in a fantasy where aliens actually have hands.
I think I'm like many here at Madison, my Lakehore friends at the very least, in that I fucking love anything that has to do with space. I've seen every episode of ""Star Trek: The Next Generation"" and often fantasize about sailing the stars like a futuristic pirate, searching for cosmic booty and wenches. Shit, I'd be the first to thoroughly mess myself at the prospect of being infiltrated by sneaky alien refugees, but there are a few reasons I didn't buy into Ed's bullshit.
First and foremost, because he's a class-A douche-turd. Second, I didn't actually take the time to whip out my Texas Instrument to do any serious calculations, but this planet's got to be a few thousand-quadrillion miles away, not to mention the fact that ""life"" doesn't necessarily mean that there's going to be a Klingon outpost or an ""in-progress"" Death Star-building operation orbiting this rock.
As far as I'm concerned, it's a damn good thing that we haven't happened upon any unexpected space bandits, because quite frankly I can only think of a few scenarios that would inevitably play out following our awkward meeting:
We all die (or are enslaved): I think it would be a lot like Columbus arriving in ""India"" after crossing the Atlantic, and upon arrival, christening his newfound world by raping, enslaving and killing all of the ""Indians."" Just swap out Columbus for ""Xenkar the Alien Warlord,"" the Atlantic for Space and India for ""Zartok,"" which would mean earth for the noble explorers. Luckily, instead of raping there would most likely just be enslaving and killing, unless we're dealing with some really fucked up aliens.
We all die(2): In this scenario of ""we all die,"" the aliens see how great we've become at fucking up pretty much anything we get our hands on, including Earth. We would quickly be exterminated before we spread further and did any more damage.
We all die(3): In my third and final scenario of ""us all dying,"" the aliens would actually consider keeping us as pets (it gets lonely in space), but after a feud over which ship gets what types of humans, we'd all be destroyed in a small scuffle between mother ships.
