If you're ready for winter break, raise your hand. Okay, now put your hand back down, you fucking weirdo. People are staring at you.
I've been ready for winter break since my summer class this July. Then the fall semester started and the LONGEST SEPTEMBER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD slowly rolled on through.
Now it's October and all anybody can think about is how great Halloween is going to be. Well, you know what? Fuck Halloween. Besides that fact that everyone in Madison and basically the nation gets an excuse to get really hammered for yet another weekend, nothing good really comes out of Halloween.
Last year, while heading to the stage to see Third Eye Blind, I passed an infinite amount of slutty sorority girls stumbling hand-in-hand with the Super Sperm, the douchebag jock who has an obvious insecurity about his … shoe … size. Then when I was standing in this large crowd of penguin waddlers, I heard the dumbass blonde behind me snap her gum and say, ""Oh em gee, like when are these guys going to play that song where they say, ‘I would understaaaaaaaand'!""
I about lost my shit. How lost in the world of teeny-bopper Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus are you, that you can't even name the most popular and referenced song ever written by Third Eye Blind, one of the most generic rock bands of our generation.
But worse than her was the guy holding her hand, the shit-head frat guy dressed as a cheerleader who thought it was okay to drop dick in the middle of a crowd and urinate all over everyone's feet, just because he had a skirt on. News flash: that is NEVER okay.
So forget Halloween. Logically, someone would say, ""Well there's always Thanksgiving, right?"" Wrong-o! Thanksgiving is this ironic little holiday of gluttony that just so happens to promote sharing.
Every year Thanksgiving plays out the same way. Grandma arrives and complains that there's too much food, telling us that we're wasteful. Then mom and grandma bicker for about twenty-minutes over the thickness of the gravy while the buns burn in the oven because they were too busy bickering to remember.
During this time, my step-dad has gone missing and the cats have already made quite a dent in the pumpkin pie that was left sitting unsupervised on the counter. Where could I be found? At that point in the day, I'm already half a bottle of wine deep, watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on my DVR because I was too lazy to wake up and watch it live. Oh and I'm usually pretty drunk, because God forbid I sneak one fucking tater-tot before dinner.
And by the time dinner is over you end up feeling like that guy from ""Alien"" when the extraterrestrial busts out of his stomach. Count me out.
What I'm getting at is that I'm going to do what most department stores do every year: promote Chrismahanukwanzakah in October. My sights are set directly at winter break and its delightful, finished-with-finals feeling. And yours should be, too!
Personally, I plan on stringing lights over my balcony and plugging in one of those classy plastic snowmen with a corncob pipe and a button nose. And then I'm going to top it all off with my collection of floating Santa head and playful penguin window clings.
I also began by preparing a tentative semi-final Chrismahanukwanzakah list for ""Santa"" (Oh and just in case a couple of you weirdies are reading this: Santa is a myth … Sorry I had to be the one to break it to you). I know it's a bit hasty of me to already have a substantial list of relatively expensive items, but I seriously need a rug … and boots.
Finally, as a way to spread the Chrismahanukwanzakah spirit so early in the year, I'm going to go straight ‘90s and carry a boom box busting ""Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"" when I'm walking down University Avenue to class. I triple-dog-dare you to hear that on the street and NOT play it over and over in your head during your boring lecture. No fucking backsies, either!
So to end my column and start an epidemic, I'll leave you with this:
""Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/ had a very shiny nose/ and if you ever saw him/you would even say it glows (like a light bulb)!""
