It is not too often that I actually drive my car around campus or even drive my car in general. Most of the time it serves as a resting place for leaves or something for snow to bury. It's just another thing I inadvertently waste my money on. In high school I actually got my driving privileges revoked due to the fact that I totaled two cars in one year, racked up the occasional speeding ticket and may or may not have caused some fender-benders. And yes, in the best stern Dad voice I can imitate, it is a ""privilege to operate a vehicle, not a right."" You would think after five years, two speeding tickets and three cars, I would trust myself to drive, but I don't entirely do yet, nor should anyone else.
Hey, at least give me some credit for admitting it! What woman actually will say she is a bad driver? I am telling you all right now I am living proof the stereotype that women are bad drivers is correct! Hell, this stereotype all you boys like to toss in our faces probably was officially established as soon as the chief of police got a look at my driving record.
Now, contrary to what you may be thinking I do have a valid driver's license, (I may or may not have failed my permit test and quite possibly started crying because I thought I was going to fail my road test) and truthfully I am legitimately afraid to use it. Though my driving transgressions may seem bad enough, my friend' Liz's are absolutely appalling.
I mean, who texts while driving anymore? Didn't we all learn that texting while driving is horrible and will eventually lead to glass-shattering, metal-bending accidents and death? Heck in Minnesota it is even illegal! Well, call Liz the rebel of the bunch because I think she missed that memo, (or chose to disregard it.) She texts like it's her full-time job. Liz has fully mastered the art of knee-driving and even memorized her ever-so-efficient QWERTY keyboard. Thus making her the best texter/driver combo in the world, hells yeah to that one! (Liz doles out high fives to all passengers, no hands on the wheel) And I honestly think she looks forward to red lights just to be able to re-read what she texted.
Besides her mindboggling texting skills Liz is also a fan of talking on the phone while driving. ""Hey it makes time go by faster AND it's multi-tasking!"" she says.
I mean woohoo! Driving without talking on the cell phone is basically pointless right? Your sense of awareness is at its peak, your judgment is in its prime and your ability to see cars around you is flawless. What fun is that? Attentive driving? Nah. (She cuts across three lanes of traffic to exit the freeway.)
Texting and talking are only two of her ""great student driver"" qualities, (Liz's insurance company tends to think highly of her) and they're both directly caused by her inability to pay attention for long periods of time! And no, her prescription for Adderall to help her focus doesn't work for driving. The label slapped on the bottle even says it ""may impair ability to operate motorized vehicles."" Ha, yeah, she calls bullshit on that one! (Gulping sound indicates swallowing of pill).
I guess you should also know that when Liz is on the road pedestrians do not have the ""right of way"" and neither do cyclists, so watch out. She has actually been in situations where she drove slowly and just closed her eyes—praying that she didn't hit anyone but at the same time wincing at the fact that she might.
But if it makes you feel any better I usually am the one in the passenger seat of Liz's car; trying to wrangle her phone away so she can't text or call, making sure she uses her blinker when changing lanes, snatching her bottle of Adderall and prying her eyes open. Therefore, if you thought this column was going to spur a police sting operation with the sole purpose of revoking my license, you're out of luck. In fact, I had perfect attendance for all of my corrective driving courses I was required to take after my accidents. I'm proud to say I'm on the road to reform.
