Freshmen, raise your hand if you've pooped your pants yet. (""He called the shit ‘poop'.""
If you didn't get that reference, set aside your syllabus and rent ""Billy Madison"" immediately).
Anyway, whether or not you've crapped your pants since being here, there'll be times you come close. The following stories aren't extreme, but they are indeed real. To any freshman feeling nervous about the whole college experience, may the following ease your mind. In the past, currently and in the future, there has been/is/will be someone feeling how you're possibly feeling like a clueless dope.
1) On move-in day my parents dropped me at Sellery and went on to find parking. This momentary separation was a blessing because it meant I didn't have to witness my dad introduce himself to every freaking kid in my dorm. ""Kathleen, I met Jack and Sarah. 6A and 2A."" I responded with, ""Cool,"" but in my head I was thinking, ""I don't even live in that tower. I hope we don't see them later because that entails an awkward and pointless introduction with two kids I'll blankly make eye contact with a few times when I'm getting cereal at Pops.""
I started to make my way to my room with four mere duffle bags. Deceivingly fluffy, yes, but those suckers sure were heavy. A student volunteer directing traffic (or something like that) said with a smirk, ""You're better off taking the stairs."" I nervously laughed, smiled, and continued to wait. Angrily he said, ""Did you hear me? Take the stairs."" I probably should have socked him right then and there, but I hear that kind of thing is frowned upon. I climbed seven flights and met my roommate in the sweatiest condition I've ever been in. Not to mention the obnoxious panting. What a great first impression.
2) That evening a few gals from my floor and I had the craziest night of our lives! We walked my roommate's friend from high school back to her lakeshore dorm. Pretty buck wild. We were passing a row of houses when we heard guys calling from a porch. They weren't extending an invitation to help them finish their keg. Rather, they mockingly shouted ""Ballin!"" repeatedly for four minutes as they chased us down the street. Why were they shouting this word? Because of stupid, lame me. I was wearing my high school water polo shirt which had the word printed on the back. I threw the damn thing out the very next morning.
3) An acquaintance let me tag along to house parties at the beginning of the year. She said I could bring some friends. ""Hey random person I exchanged a wave with today in the hall, you want to go to a party?"" Somehow a loser like me managed to convince a few kids to come and be my friend.
Upon entering the house I heard the four of them discussing something about money and beer. Smoothly I said, ""Don't worry about it."" We approached the guy with the cups, I handed him $25, pointed back and said ""They're with me."" Again, smooth. I learned quickly to tip my cup at the keg. Mainly beause someone aggressively shouted in my ear, ""Tip your fucking cup."" Duly noted.
Returning from the keg, I saw my friends sitting on a couch without cups. They informed me they weren't going to drink. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I just bought one lousy red cup for the price of a steak dinner? I had the option of cowardly approaching the money collector and explaining the situation, but deep down I knew that would end with him laughing in my face. Maybe a stoning.
4) Oh and to put it plainly, one time I ate shit in middle of a busy intersection. Park and University. One time, two times, seven times. They all start to blend together.
Are you a freshman having a tough time? Let's talk about it over a pitcher of beer at the terrace. Oh wait, you can't. Sorry. That was mean. How about over some cheese fries at Big Red's? Let me know at kqbrosnan@wisc.edu.
